Well I go for weeks and weeks without remembering HNm but then very powerful stresses start to occur and then I have to start remembering HN again.

If I don't then it feels as if I am dying. The moment I start meditating (onHN) again I start to feel better, but.. appart from that there is no other stimulis to to return to M or that I am doing something wrong

If it helps do it.

There is one thing sure it is the strangest thing that I have ever gotten into and very sad as well to have no honor left as well.

What do you mean by "..no honor left..." ?

But things are not clear cut as I really do not like M at the moment so there is sometimes SEVERE confusion involved and as to where all this is leading to or will lead to. And why I have to remember HN etc.

Sometimes it's really painful for me too.... but I detect that you are very anxious... why not get some medical/ or holistic/or therapy style help ? There's no shame in your feelings King2 . Ask around and see what you can find but try to get recommendations from people you trust...  Don't forget some of your feelings of anxiety may have preceded M. and his circus.

 Are you quite happy with HN, for instance are you afraid that you might be being put in some other place or being put in some other place slowley without you realising it and perhaps not be able to come back. 

While I'm happy with it ( HN ) I'm not dwelling on it and worrying about it. I am using the forum -  and sometimes the private messages and E-mails to ex-premies I've been able to contact through EPO - to work through and come to terms with my thoughts and feelings.

  I have never had paranoid thoughts about "..being put in some other place...and not be able to come back..." and thats why I feel that kind and professional help might be a good thing for you.

After all it is not natural to have to remember breath to survive . 

If it helps do it ... you won't go to another place and never come back !

I think it is shocking if it is true that M should swear in such a fashion. To me it would be like Jeasus swearing which would be totally unbeliavable which would not agree at all with what I thought M was for the past thirty years.

It doesn't inspire confidence does it !

People who are being executed usually get their last wish IE- a last cigarette ETc it would have been nice to know what all this means before one goes

I agree with you. The ex-premies are making enough fuss that you would think he ( M ) would have the empathy/sympathy/courtesy to address us ( I mean have a special program for us or video-link or whatever it is now ) respectfully and not just dismiss us uncaringly and glibly as " unlit matches. "

Anyway peace and love