I strongly recommend that you do NOT revert to meditation during this time.  It's obviously not helping you.   All of the experts on cults recommend that people leaving a cult stop practicing the methods that are part of the dynamics of following a cult leader.  That includes meditation, chanting, and in Bible-based cults, speaking in tongues or excessive praying.

You may feel as if you are going to die if you don't meditate on your breath, but I can assure you that you will not die.  Who is telling you that you are going to die?  It could be that all the years of listening to Maharaji and the fears that he instilled in you, that you would crumble into a million pieces if you ever left him, are popping up here and there, causing you to revert to the meditation.  You don't have to fall into a million pieces, because what Maharaji said were lies.

I suspect that you are going through a process of recovery that is bringing up a variety of enormously strong feelings that were forbidden for you to have when you followed Maharaji.  These very strong feelings are not going to kill you, even though they feel so awful right now and seem to be so negative.  It's called being a real natural human being to have these feelings. 

If you do feel suicidal, however, I recommend that you seek professional help immediately.  Feelings are meant to be felt.  Maharaji never allowed us to have doubts, critical thoughts about him, and especially our real natural human feelings. 

This is also a time that can bring up huge, deep feelings of great grief and loss.  As human beings, grieving a loss is a natural thing and not something to suppress.  By suppressing them through meditation you may be prolonging your personal recovery.  Sometimes when I am feeling very sad I try to make myself cry (if I'm not already crying naturally).  Crying releases a lot of stress and tension, and if you don't feel as if you can cry, find a way to being it on, like music or something that is particular to you that will induce you to have that kind of release.  I can assure you that crying helps a lot.  Laughter does too.

Meanwhile, here is an extremely helpful website called reFocus that is geared towards helping former cult members understand the recovery process of leaving a cult.  I also suggest that you allow yourself to feel anger towards Maharaji, but explore ways to express it that isn't harmful to you or others. 

The feelings you are having will definitely not kill you.  That's impossible.  You may have to ride them out, but I strongly suggest that you do not meditate until you reach a point where can feel as if you are not going to die unless you practice meditation. 

Best wishes,

Cynthia