But things are not clear cut as I really do not like M at the moment so there is sometimes SEVERE confusion involved and as to where all this is leading to or will lead to. And why I have to remember HN etc.

In my experience some people may actually feel better off with a faith in something, even if that something turns out to be phony in the end. 

However, this is true mainly for people who don't have much else in their life, like fulfilling work, or the sense that they are making a positive difference in the world, even in the smallest sense.

Renouncing M isn't easy after 30+ years, and although there's often an immediate high, it can be followed by depression as you begin to realise you're actually no nearer understanding what we're all here for than before you first heard about M.  And everything you thought you knew turns out to be meaningless - it can be a bitter pill to swallow.

However, love is still important, as is giving, and all the other positive values we imbibed in the early premie days, and "HN" is a tried and tested technique for calming yourself down and centring yourself.  Buddhists use it, all sorts of people use it - it's a well-known stress-buster, so if you feel like it's helping you then it probably is.

The only problems with it are that doing it too much can "space you out", plus the thought-associations with M that tend to arise.  However, these tend to pass the more you deconstruct the whole M thing.

What you can be left with is a feeling of hopelessness and despair as you realise what a scam you've been involved in, but a very good rememdy for this is positive action: ie doing something creative, or working in teaching or in a  caring profession.  All of these can lift your consciousness to the levels you remember at the best premie times...and they're well worth pursuing.

That's my two-pennysworth anyway. 

Livia