I also moved on with my life - because I was always one of those who couldn't go devotional 100% (like I told I think it was on Shana's FB site). So I was half-in and half-out. But with my kids growing up I found more free time for me and went to quite a few "programs" or 'festivals' ... and there joined the translator crew which I enjoyed quite a bit - one of the reasons being that you didn't have to run or quarrel for a *good seat*, and there was always the chance that M would speak during your shift, and actually, he was the easiest one to translate (obviously because he would always talk the same old, same old; sometimes in a "new dress". But when he began a sentence, it was easy to guess how he would end it ... I mention that because sentences in English are built in a different order than in German and you could not really know what the meaningful verb in the end would be ... In German this verb comes at an earlier spot, hence the guessing at which I really was good.) *giggle ... so my premiedom to me was kind of like belonging to an exquisite club of wonderful people, and I had some really good times there.) So, when I stumbled over the epo sites on the internet, after the first shock, I got really interested in what made ppl 'throw dirt at M'. I couldn't understand it at first - and only after some weeks + months of reading and posting here in this forum it dawned on me that the ashram premies were really *effed* by him. He was not the nice uncle to tell you nice fairy tales so the bad ghosts flee out of your closet.... But my good fate allowed me to learn this lesson the soft way. (My hard lessons all came in the context of my day-to-day life, and I was not short of hard lessons. Just not with M.)

 

EDIT: So, to round things up and make the circle to my question to you complete, I told you all this .... and the only important thing I should have told you (and spared you a long sermon) is: Yes, during all my time as a *fringe premie* I still considered myself to be a premie.

Getting out and considering myself an ex-p needed some inner work and then a conscious, firm resolution.