it is really refreshing to have a premie post here who is kind to me, it hasn't happened for awhile! :

I guess you are kind because we have been talking about another experience we both share, being molested by someone we trusted to be a man of God, while we were young. I do not know anything about what happened to you, but I am very very sorry it did. I don't know why these things happen to people either.horrible and a unique betrayal no matter who the perpetrator is. What you and I, and so many others share, is being betrayed by people  we believed be representatives of God. I don't know who you thought the Christian Brothers were. But I know how I felt about Jagdeo prior to what happened to me. He was really special to me because he gave me K. Also, he was really special because he seemed to love kids so much, like someone who really cared about ME. That is how they trick so many kids. That is true I think in any religion. It took me a really long time, after I left M, to be able to believe in God again. Funny in a way, you left Christianity and as an adult came to believe in M. I left M and later came to believe in Christ. I never was a Christian as a child. Arti was my first religous song. Some of those premie songs are so deeply ingrained in me I still find myself humming them. Did you try to report the man or men who molested you? I wonder what you think about the POV guy who is attacking me because I didn't go to the police? I have stopped reading his posts, I think he is trying to attack me to the core. Can you imagine how you would feel, if lets say you had gone to the Cardinal instead of the police, and someone later said you can't blame the cardinal for not doing enough because you were not smart or brave enough to go to the police?  I would have had to have been very brave, because I don't think premies would have rallied around me in support if I did something that surely would have hurt Rawat like that. And I loved Rawat, I didn't want to hurt him, and I trusted him, and I tried to tell him as best I could. Can you imagine how you would feel if you now, like me, had used your real name on the web and told the story a third time. And found the same Christian brother had done what you were afraid of, molested kids all over the world, and then some creepy person attacked you for not doing more all those years ago? Can you imagine what would have had to happen in my mind to report it to the police?  I believed, very strongly, M was basically the Messiah. Is it reasonable to think the 15 year old me would go to the police instead of trying to tell M?  I don't think there were very many premies back then who would have given me the advice to go outside M's world to deal with it back then. They would not have wanted the horrible publicity and shame that would come to the cult, but more so, I don't think there was a single premie I knew that would have had more faith in the police than M. Can you imagine how I feel?  I bet you can. I am curious if you are male or female. Not important, just curious. I have read a lot about the Catholic church scandal and clergy abuse. I feel deeply for you that you had to endure what you did. I am so sorry. I was really lucky as I got away from Jagdeo fast. I wasn't lucky that I told Randy about it. I wonder a lot how things might have been different if I had chosen someone else to tell or written a letter. But letters to M were not often answered, I considered that, but I didn't know if he'd really get it. I never considered telling the police. I had a good friend who would have been involved too. But I know it was only M I even considered telling back then, it was simply that he ( or then He) was the ultimate source of justice to me. But I do wonder what if, what if it wasn't Randy or Judy I picked. I wish I had told Shelly Kaplan, or even Newt Gay, who were premies I knew. Or Anita Kugler. I know I did weigh what premie could help me tell M. And Randy was someone who could easily tell him.  Later, when I left M, I told a Miami Herald reporter what had happened. He didn't tell me to go to the police either. He did tell me, he had just done a story about Bob Mishler, that he couldn't publish my story with out using my name. I was too afraid. I thought maybe how Mishler had died was something like what happened to the reporter who through the pie in M's face. You know, the Mahatma and another premie bashed his head in ( and now we know M was involved in helping that Mahatma out of the country) I was afraid of that. I supposed POV will blame me for that too. It took many years until I became brave enough to tell this story and let the chips, or hammers, fall where they may. But I was, when I told the story with my real name here for the first time, terrified. I locked the doors and if I saw a strange car outside was aftraid. As was A, raped by Jagdeo at age 8. She was SO BRAVE, she used her real name here and told her horrible story.  Most people believe she made a legal settlement at some point. I hope it has helped her. She is a brave woman. A bit ironic we are attacked by anonymous premies, who won't even put identities behind their defense of Rawat and their attacks of ex's, when we have had to face the fears that inevitably come after publicly telling your story about life as a premie. You may not agree, but you must know that people like Mike Dettmers, Mike Donner, Mike Finch, Anth Ginn, Bob Mishler, Marriane Bachers, Joe Whalen, Jim Heller,  Sandy Pass, just a few public ex's, all were very brave to tell their stories, with their real names. They told them for one reason, to help other people not fall into the trap they fell into.  I think every ex who has ever posted here with their real name is very brave.

Anyway, I do wish you well, and I appreciate your kindness. Don't worry, I have analzyed all the data about M very carefully. I left a long time, and I didn't need all the stories about what M is really like to know he wasn't what he said he was.  I did not need that, and even if he was a perfect family man teetotaller (sp?) etc, I was so uncomfortable with the dancing Mala guy and darhsan lines, claims of divinity when he so obviously wasn't. I knew I was in a cult. For me, I just had to be honest with myself. It was very, very hard to admit that everything I believed in was a lie. That I had been tricked. But I knew he wasn't what he claimed to be. Now he doesn't even claim to be. How can he make a mistake and claim to be the superior power in Person? ooops, I thought I was the Messiah, I guess I can see now I am not, so I will be an inspirational teacher? How could he take gifts of everything individuals own knowing they believe he is God,  and then say, oops, I am not God. Shouldn't he give Joe Whalen's( just one of thousands) inheritance back? It was given under false pretences.  Many many ashram premies gave ever penny they owned. That isn't simply going to a retreat. Too much hypocrisy. I know you aren't prepared to believe it, I wasn't either, I guess when I was prepared to believe it, I left.

I do wish you well, and I sincerely thank you for your kindness.