this confusion meant that knwoledge "was working" inside us and we had nothing to worry about just go on, while in fact meditating and being in the cult were the very reasons for our confusion and distress.
The really wicked part of this (confusion means it's working) is that it's often true: the confusion I am sorting through now, with your help (after 20+ years of just not thinking about Maharaji) is because I'm going back to sort true from false, asking what really happened: it's not really confusion, just the disorder that happens in the process of working things out, housecleaning dust...like the disorder of remodeling a house, where there's a plan and an order to the chaos.
But to someone who is being manipulated, if you say 'change and growth are often accompanied by stress and confusion', as if it explains away their confusion, you can effectively shut down the growth process.
So there would be a difference in how you respond to the confusion--like now, in my initial explorations of ex-premiedom as a world (instead of just an inactive state), and in trying to decide what I am going to believe about M and my 'experience' with K, I am assuming there is a 'reality' somewhere in the dust or fog, and I am moving toward it.
But somehow, when we were told to just keep meditating and trusting the Lord, that the confusion was a sign that K was working, the clues that were there in the confusion were being missed...I remember M, during the ashram shutdown period, mocking premies who said 'I'm so confused'. The implication was that our confusion was our fault, just put the focus back on M and s s & m and it would eventually clear up. So quit whining.
I think the message I got about confusion 'evolved' as other things were changed: initially it was that some confusion is natural, it's like the shaking you go through when you fly through the sound barrier (an actual example that was used by M or initiators): it's OK to be confused.
Later, when the changes were causing some of the premies to flip out, ask too many questions...Ah. Too many questions...then it was time to make fun of our confusion, blame us for it--we must not be practicing, we were allowing room for doubt. Ah-
ha: When I'm confused, it means (I read it to mean) that the QUESTIONS ARE WORKING: keep asking them. Keep looking for what's NOT YET IN SIGHT. When I'm in a situation where the questions stop getting answers, when they provoke abuse/insults, then I know I'm in the danger zone. So (how I've functioned for years) confusion means one of two very clear things: keep investigating, or someone's lying: leave.
For me it was probably the buildup of unanswered questions that propelled me (gently and without trauma) out of M's world; for other exes it was the answers they started getting to some of the questions that made up their minds. In either case, the LACK of ANSWERS to questions was the sign that we should have picked up on--sooner or later DID pick up on.
Thanks all who read this far for your patience as I sort these things out in my mind (ha). Hopefully it's on point in some way for others.
Chuck
