Man, I felt that a lot too.  Of course, you can rationalize it and say it's a "test of your devotion," or "blowing your concepts," or your own lack of "understanding."

I also wasn't into Rawat personally when I received knowledge.  I was into the path and into saving the world.  But then there was a bait and switch and it all became devotion.  That was a difficult period for me, because I never liked Rawat very much, never was attracted to him, thought he was incoherent, etc.  Plus, he was fat and kind of gross and dressed up in really stupid clothes.   And I also was embarrased by some of the really dumb things he said and how anti-intellectual he was, in fact the whole cult was.

One time at an into event in Miami, Rawat seemed particularly put out and pissed off.  They allowed questions from the audience and a woman asked about the nuclear freeze movement (this was 1983) and trying to limit weapons, bring peace, etc.  Rawat just got miffed and said it was all a waste of time, and that she was wasting her life trying to make a less dangerous world.  I was really embarrassed, not only because he was a jerk, but because he was also so clueless.