On September 11, 2023, I posted a “life update” on FaceBook because stomach and back discomfort prompted my doctor to order an ultra sound of my abdomen, which showed a mass in my pancreas, which led to an MRI, then an oncology referral, a biopsy, and a final diagnosis of metastatic pancreatic cancer which can be treated (but not cured) with chemo to potentially add some months (4-6) to my life. After consulting with friends and family I have chosen the other option, which is to enter Hospice, a choice to forego chemo for palliative support and other services for comfort and ease. Since the initial pain that brought me to the doctor around Labor Day, has increased, I’ve had to steadily increase the potency of pain meds. At this point I can still function somewhat independently but soon I will need more help.

I am choosing to enjoy however many months I have left in the belief that palliative care, pain meds, various types of alternative care, creativity, and enjoying my friends, may also extend my life just as many months as chemo (without the debilitating side effects). On September 26th, a few weeks into this journey, as I was processing these shocks by reading and writing poetry, I wrote this poem:
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BOTH WAYS
home is wherever the grief washes off your hands with the most ease
~Hanif Abdurraqib, Vintage Sadness

Pain is the decider / when I am defenseless against it. / Boring a hole into my body & out
again without permission / because rogue cells host a rave / in clueless organs just doing
their jobs, assuming no malice of intent / letting the party go on & on / dawn bringing a
new twisted day, unexpected.

Can hope be the decider / changing the metaphor from war to peace? / She fought the
disease / put up a good fight / lost the battle / or / making peace with her body / grief
washed away easily / breathing deeply / in surrender / open arms allowing love to flow/
both ways.
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So the next update I posted was in November 2023:

I wanted to tell you all what an amazing unfolding has been taking place in my life and journey. Changes that are very much a result of the love and care showered on me through renewing old friendships, some over 50 years old (none having to do with the cult except real friendships that developed from then), enhancing current ones and creating new ones. The power of connection to heal has been demonstrated to me over and over and though it seems like this journey has been going on for a long time I am so surprised to count the days from that September diagnosis to now as approaching 100 days. So brief, yet truly a lifetime.

Next Life Update:
It has been over ten weeks since the journey of cancer began for me (from symptoms, scans, tests, diagnosis and presented treatment options. On October 31st (Halloween) I signed forms to enter hospice care which at this stage is mainly regular visits with my assigned RN and social worker (both of them are amazing humans), and pain medications delivered to my door. Down the road, as needed, they provide other kinds of help including home health aids, light housekeeping and simple errands, when needed. I am still able to drive the short distance to grocery shop but do not drive at night or longer distances. These ten weeks have been a roller coaster both emotionally and physically. I have experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows in my life. The lows pretty much have to do with pain, and learning what I can and cannot do to prevent breakthrough pain that takes a long time to reign back into control: 1) eat frequent tiny meals so the pancreas does not freak out trying to release digestive hormones etc. 2) keep a regular course of pain meds without missing any doses (hard at night when I would rather sleep that get up to eat a cracker and take a pill). But this life is the new normal. Also in the midst of this journey, the unexpected loss of a dear friend, to suicide. The highs have been: 1) alternative health practices that have been amazing (shamanic healing sessions, regular massage and reike) 2) experiencing so much love from friends, who gathered for a small intimate evening mid-October sharing food, poetry, music and love which boosted my spirits and made me realize that in Spokane I have found a tribe of writers who are committed to supporting me through my journey with positive energy and practical works. 3) I also have been lifted by tribes of friends from other places I have lived, like the musicians in Snohomish County where I could weekly share poetry and music and like Indiana, another place that became dear to me as I was privileged to share music and writing with the huge creative community of Fort Wayne, Indiana. 4) Other friends made over the years are scattered around the world and this seemingly negative diagnosis has resulted in being reconnected to old friends from decades past who reached out with love and remembrances of time spent together. I have learned the huge lesson that it is important to say how you feel about people, and what they mean in your life, while they are still here, instead of waiting until a possible memorial service. 5) And finally my main bucket list item of finally publishing a book of poems:

Life Update, Bucket List, finding purpose:
About 5 or 6 weeks ago, I was wondering what my new normal would look like and which projects I could reasonably, actually complete given my situation, energy and resources and my amazing friend, Jodi, said that if I assembled my poetry she could lay it out in InDesign and we could get a book printed by a local press and sell them for a fundraiser. Having a side gig in publishing she has the chops and connections to do that. So I pulled out my poetry MFA thesis, kept the theme structure and replaced many of the older poems with new ones I have written in the last 2-3 years. My dear friend, poetry professor & mentor, Jonathan, volunteered to secure a great location for the book release event and the book goes to the printer next week, for a release date of January 20, 2024. Working on this project has given me purpose and energy during some of the more difficult ups and downs. I am overwhelmed by all the love and support of this creative community.
Here is the blurb about the book:
In Search of Groovy poems
“Spanning the life of a free and adventuresome spirit—from childhood fantasies alongside a beloved dog to riding the rails across Alaskan wilderness to watching the world through wise and kind eyes of age—these poems of Kerry Rutherford remind us that we too are here for a while and may live in wonder, fascination, and love. You hold in your hand a life’s testament, a great gift, a spell book for conjuring not only the past, but our own present and future. Read it and travel on in the company of a funny, wise, beautiful guide as you search for your own groovy.”
~Jonathan Johnson
Professor, English, Creative Writing
Eastern Washington University

Born in Seattle, Kerry Rutherford graduated from the University of Washington in 1970 with a degree in anthropology, lived in communes on the Olympic Peninsula & then hitched north to Kodiak, Alaska. Returning to Washington to raise a child & teach public school, Kerry later spent 10 years at nonprofits in Indiana, Finally she (at 75 years old) earned two MFAs in Creative Writing, one in nonfiction & one in poetry, topping it off with a Masters in History, graduating Spring 2023. Poetry is her preferred language to express the many life experiences of the past, present & tentative future.

Sarurday January 20th 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM
SPARK CENTRAL 1214 West Summit Parkway, Spokane, WA
doors open at 6:30 pm

OK dear ex-premies, this is probably way more than you wanted or needed to read, or know, about me but it is my last word on the subject, not sure how long this last word will extend things but hopefully for as long as it does, the quality of my life will be better than it ever would have been otherwise. So happy to be “exiting” one more time with you folks instead of with any others.