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Hi insearchoftruth,
I just saw your post come up, I am deeply moved by your message. I am in UK also. Your story resonates with my experience. I can't explain why m 'appears' to have changed.
I say 'appears', because I suspect that this is only the lie, that was there all the time, coming out. His lifestyle has changed for the worse of course.
It is entirely possible that m believed it all himself when younger, now he may be becoming aware in part of his being, of the deception; but is denying it to himself in his 'every day' conscious mind, driven by the need to continue to support his lavish lifestyle and his need to be worshipped. This would have a negative effect on personality.
It seems quite likely that these feelings do not go away, by themselves, with time. I thought as have others; StephenB for example, that I could walk away and leave it all behind me. Many of us have done this only to find that even after 30 yrs. it keeps on coming up. I too, have experienced much pain and prayed to God for help.
I'm not sure this is an effective approach though since we have spent so long forming concepts that connected m with God. It might be beneficial to examine belief itself. Try to separate what you know from first hand experience, from what you believe, or want to believe.
You will find many willing people who are concerned to help people through this, albeit, although our own sadness is not over yet. Many others will post here on this thread, I'm sure, as the light of day moves around the planet.
I tend to say it's been decades, but I can't really calculate it, not being able to put an exact date on my exit. I thought I had walked away a long time ago, but in some form I have carried it all with me.
It is only since I began posting here and recieving the feedback of other leavers, that things started moving again. I know what desperation in this area is, only too well, and have often used the word to describe my state of mind.
We are definitely out here, (tho' some might say "out there") please know that the pain can be transmuted. I do not say removed, this is a long process, I was experiencing it myself a little today, but it is getting more manageable.
Now though, moved by compassion for your plight, I am not feeling my own sadness any more but concern for yours. See; you've helped me already!
I won't say more, right now, so that I can post this to you without keeping you waiting too long for a reply. Whereabouts are you, roughly?
Feeling much empathy, and still here,
Lp
Modified by LP at Mon, Jun 19, 2006, 08:04:33
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Hello thereWhen you first discover, as you put it, that M appears to be a fake, the world becomes a terrible place and you are lost and desperate in it. At least, that is how it was for me, and from what you write that is how it is for you too. This was no ordinary love-affair we were in. This was a love affair with the Lord of the Universe, with the Master who has come with more power than ever before, etc etc - you don't just walk away from that shrugging your shoulders saying 'oh well, that didn't work, what's next?'. This was a powerful thing that held us, and we tried as hard as we could to surrender and become devoted, so that we invited - no, begged! - that power to take us over. Of course, our own details are unique to us, but the broad-brush picture is I think the same for any committed and devoted premie who sees that after all they have given (money, time, energy, love, dream, hopes, family, relationships) that M is, as you say, a fake. One thing I am pretty sure of is that, if you can, it is far better not to tuck it under your belt and forget that it was ever there in the first place as put it. I am not saying you should, or should not, tell your Christian group - I have no opinion on that one way or the other. What I am saying is you need to face what you believed in for so long, go into it, and become healed from it. This is easier said than done, of course. The temptation is to just 'tuck it under your belt'. But in my experience, true healing only comes from facing it and deconstructing it. There are many ways to do that. You have already started by posting on this forum. Talking and engaging with others who have been through what you are going through is one, whether online like here, face to face, phone, whatever. You may want to consider therapy, particularly if you are as desperate as you indicate you are. The only problem with that, is that most mainstream therapists have no or little understanding of what it is like to be coming out of a cult. I am sure you will get many responses to your post, and just reading them and replying will help you to think, engage with your critical faculties, accept your emotional responses and deal with them one way or another. If you want to email me, feel free to do so - go to my website and click Contact Me to get my email address. Take care - you may be desperate but people are here who understand what you are going through and will help you. -- Mike
www.MikeFinch.com
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Hello,
I don't live in the UK, but I would like to offer some advice in coming to terms with this situation.
Prem Rawat is not a demon. He is just a plain old run of the mill religious con artist. How much of that was and is willfull and how much he himself is a victim of the whole Lord of the Universe fantasy thrown on him is a question that I doubt anyone can definitely answer, but perhaps it isn't even all that relevant. The fact is you and I and everyone who received knowledge is the victim of a con job. Nothing less, nothing more. The fact that we had such an extreme emotional investment in it causes a lot of hurt and that will take time to heal.
I want to give you an example of someone I know. She wasn't in a cult, but she fell in love with someone who made many promises to her and of course told her that he loved her. At some point she found out that he was a cheap conman and had done the same ploy with other woman to try and get money out of them. I think she went through the same kind of hurt that premies go through when they realize the truth about Rawat. It took her some time to get over it. She blamed herself for being so stupid, she kept asking "why me", it made her suspicious of other men. But now she is happily married for many years and everything turned out for the better.
I am saying all of this because I think it is important to not demonize Rawat and rather just see him for the cheap crook that he is. By demonizing him, you are still giving him power over you. He has no power other than that which you have given him. He is nothing. Knowledge is just some run of the mill meditation techniques. He doesn't own them. Whatever experiences you have had with meditation and with darshan, good and bad, are your own creation. Please remember that.
As for healing yourself, this forum can help to some extent, but you also need to find strength in your own life. Perhaps that means seeking therapy for a while, or maybe learning how to appreciate life again on your own. You are in a vulnerable state right now, so the tendency will be there to fill the void with something else. Please be careful. Some ex-premies have ended up jumping into another cult soon after.
For many years I tried to simply ignore that I was in a cult, but I think the healthiest thing was when I finally looked at it all squarely in the face and tried to understand my involvement. As another poster Nik recently said, you can't undo your history, it is part of you for better or worse and has shaped you into what you are today. I know the process for me, though painful at times, has brought me many insights into my self and made me a better person in the end.
The master/devotee relationship is all about transfer of power. Take the power back that you have given to Rawat. When you take responsibility for your own life then Rawat can't harm you anymore. Sometimes your life will be magnificent and sometimes it will suck, but it will be yours and you will always have the choice to make what you can out of your circumstances. I find this more satisfying and full of hope than any spiritual promise that anyone could promise me.
So I wish you heartfelt luck in your new journey and feel free to talk on this forum all you want, but don't make it into a substitute for finding a real life for yourself.
Modified by aunt bea at Mon, Jun 19, 2006, 04:51:15
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Hi insearchoftruth, This attachment is a repost. But, I think it's worth reading. I hope you find all the help needed, so that you can heal yourself and feel better. Pain and suffering? It hurts! Best thoughts to you... Hilltop
Modified by Hilltop at Mon, Jun 19, 2006, 08:38:46
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Hi does anyone know what this K is all about
at this stage
I think you need to establish what it was all about before you examine the neutered version which Rawatco are peddling at the moment, & if you do that you probably won't need to wonder what it 'is' now. There are several articles on EPO which are worth reading in this respect.
You have my sympathy for your emotional/spiritual crisis, but without knowing what you think about life the universe & all that, I can't really give you any advice.
As a generalisation & an old one too, as I haven't had any contact with premies apart from a couple of old friends, for over 20 yrs, I'd say that the majority were always confused, & it was only within the narrow parameters of satsang, service, & meditation that they appeared to be otherwise.
should you tell everyone in your new group (for instance a christian
group) that you have been in a cult or do you tuck it under your belt
and forget that it was ever there in the first place
You can't forget it was there, & trying to suppress it won't do you any good at all, but I'd be wary of telling others until you've informed yourself of every aspect, as you need to be in a position to correct any of the misunderstandings which will certainly arise as a result of doing so.
Good Luck
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I was a dedicated premie for 25 years and left in 2000. If your are an old premie I'm sure you remember the above piece of jargon "Maharaji's world". In Maharaji's World you were loved, held, perfect-as-you-are, incomparable; an altogether special person with a connection to God and a message to tell the world. Its no wonder you crashed. The question you were never able or allowed to ask yourself was: "How did I rise to such an exalted position so quickly?" Maharaji's job was to flatter, cajole, and massage your self-concealed spiritual egotism. He calls it inspiration. By doing so he kept himself and you in business; himself aloof as a master and you as a virtuous "seeker-after-truth". That is the service guru/priests supply for those of us who manufacture high identities about ourselves. He lies to you to make you feel about yourself what you need to feel about yourself; what you could not bear about yourself if you were without it... something "Beyond". And he gives you "the techniques" to prove it. Between his blarney and those basic yoga techniques (dressed up as "The Knowledge, "His" Knowledge) the wide-eyed,self promoting idealist just can't resist. But don't blame yourself : there are totally accessible social/philosophical/cognitional reasons why the K/Guru deception works so well on so many of us. Maharaji's World simply mirrors at a different octave some of the more veiled assumptions/traps of "this" world! Like everyone on this forum, you leapt enthusiastically into Maharaji's world. Why? Because M's World, as we are told to this day, is context free.There is nothing like it, it is inexpressable, beyond compare etc. Prem Rawat insists (lies) every time he speaks that what he offers is beyond words. He affirms time and again that M's World (that experience, this breath, that place, this life etc) has no context.That is total bollox "Seekeraftertruth" your task now (imo) is to discover just how it is total bollox. How, in detail, Prem Rawat is totally and utterly in error on his claim that he has no context. Fortunately for you, you are waking up from a kind of "Jonestown of the mind". You willingly offered your self- discrimination to the master at the door of M's World and M obligingly plied you with his anasthetic of "that-feeling- and-nothing-but-that-feeling". As for the funny looks you are getting from Maharaji they are nothing to do with you. They are his fear showing,his horror that you have just seen through him, and that you no longer require his services as an anaesthetist-or anything else. Time to move on. It takes a few years but its not impossible, infact after the initial shock it is very good indeed.You will find you have a lot of experience/material to work with, to make your own. Well done for posting here. Tell us some more. Love Bryn ps; part of me is a bit suspicious that this thread might be a set up of some kind. Forgive me if it is genuine. Say some more.
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