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LARKIN MAN!Faster than a speeding liar! (or one that runs over devotees)
More powerful than any metaphor!
Able to leap tall tales at a single bound! "Yes, it's Larkin-man, strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Larkin-man, who can change the course of mighty gurus (run away, run away!), bend opinions with his naked mind; and who, disguised as NL, mild-mannered psychologist for a large group of ex's, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the Darwinian way."
Modified by NAR at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 10:21:18
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Guru Maharaj Ji Guru Maharaj Ji, known variously to adoring followers as ‘Prem Rawat’, ‘Ji Whizz’, and ‘Fatso Rawatso’, is believed to be the most glorious incarnation of Divine Lord Krispie since the last one bestrode the primeval swamps of the Pre-Cambrian period. [But note: both the Maharishi and Scientology sources disagree with this claim.] Renowned for his benevolence and endless mercy towards sincere spiritual seekers and hammer-wielding thugs, Maharaji Ji owns vast palaces around the world for which he personally drew up the architectural blueprints and chose the Scandinavian timber and nine-inch nails that are used for his popular, weekly crucifixion events. Observers have described these buildings as both ‘vast’ and ‘palatial’, and the golden lavatory fittings as ‘pretty gross’ [citation needed]. However, coming from a strictly ascetic Hindu tradition, Rawat has turned over all his residences and top-of-the-range automobiles to destitute bag-ladies, while he personally insists on sleeping on nails in the nearest pedestrian subway, where loyal followers feed him a strictly vegan diet of holy water and organic rice crackers. Rumours of Prem Rawat having a luxury lifestyle have been roundly scotched on Wikipedia by as many as two notable authorities with a neutral point of view. None of Maharaj Ji’s personal wealth derives from his followers’ donations. Instead, his allegedly obscene fortune was accrued entirely through world sales of his patent invention, the cucumber frame. Not only does 'the Living Lobster' offer his Inner Message of Peace and Loveliness free of charge, he even pays his worldwide following of 17 million devotees (known as ‘Friendlies’) to attend his celebrated 'piss-poor' speaking events. Here, they are known to ritually ‘slobber’ and ‘grovel’ around his feet, crooning the ancient devotional hymn, "Aah – tea-time" (which the poetically-gifted Rawat himself penned in a previous incarnation) as dusky, grass-skirted Tahitian maidens fan his sacred brow with palm fronds: 'Jai gurudev, Maharaj Ji,
Your glory fills your head...' [citation needed] While some commentators argue that Rawat’s fluency in twenty-three languages was acquired at his Holy Mother’s knee, other authorities believe he picked up many irregular verbs at the breakfast table when he was, by then, in his potty-chair.
When recently asked whether he has any intention of retiring, or passing on his 64 supernatural yogic powers to his lovely daughter, 'Friendliness-Incarnate', Mahahiji is alleged to have replied: ‘When I’m sitting on a golden goose? What do you think?’ No citations are available to confirm this controversial quote. But neutral academic, "the terrorist’s friend", Professor Ron Grievous, at least agrees with himself that his Master, Maharaji Ji’s ‘Inner Message of Peace and Loveliness’ will endure for the rest of eternity and beyond. >>> Maybe cq could provide a suitable 'photograph'?
Modified by larkin at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 16:46:34
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The basic idea was to pitch it just-so, hovering between fact and parody, so that people browsing might get sufficiently interested to check out the real story. If Jossi or any other premie comes by to edit the piece, they would simply show themselves up as humourless cult-trolls. (Which of course is an unsubstantiated allegation). Thanks again for the endorsement, NAR. I'll wait for one or two more votes of confidence, before putting the thing online, since Uncyclopedia is new territory for me, and I'm not sure where they draw the line on pieces about living people... But then I would hope everyone will dive in and add sub-pages on 'past teachings' 'upbringing' etc. This could be fun for all. With a bit of luck we can go on reverting forever 
Modified by larkin at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 15:14:20
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Very funny. And a lot more fun than Wikipedia. You better hurry though before some disgruntled, humorless premie beats you to it. 
Modified by Cynthia at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 15:26:03
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"...disgruntled, humorless premie..."Larkin said the same thing, but he added that it was unsubstantiated and, thus, his statement was NPOV. I recommend that you read the rules..... now where are they? Hold on, I had them right here....... dang it! Well, just take my word for it cuz I'm an admin (read that: knower of all truths, decider of notables and all around good guy). Larkin was NPOV and you were a twit about it!
(I hope that didn't go too far, it was supposed to be funny)
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... to avoid potential intimidation from cult lawyers, I have removed all personal identifiers. There are hundreds of 'Maharaji's' on-line via a Google search. The article could be about any of them.
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Jai gurudev, Maharaj Ji,
Your glory fills your head...'
I have pondered for years as to the deep psychological complexes that allow Prem Rawat to continue in his unusual career, one he seems completely unsuited for. I think you've got it in a nutshell.
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There were some key edits, Larkin! Superb!I wonder if M sings, "Jai gurudev me,,,, my glory fills my head!"
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Somebody came by and made some wonderful edits, definite improvements on the original. Then some sort of Unjossi admin added the purple box at the bottom. I couldn't work out whether the reprimand was serious or parody-serious. Either way, I decided not to pursue this thing any more. If anyone wants to pick up the torch and repost the article, here's how it looked before I removed it ... >>> Guru Maharaj JiFrom Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.Guru Maharaj Ji, known variously to adoring followers as ‘Prem the Rat’, ‘Ji Whizz’, and ‘Fatso Ratso’, is believed to be the most glorious incarnation of Divine Lord Krispie since the last one bestrode the primeval swamps of the Pre-Cambrian period. [But note: both the Maharishi and Scientology sources disagree with this claim.] Renowned for his benevolence and endless mercy towards people looking for growing hairs within their ears, Guru Ji owns vast corrugated metal huts around the world for which he personally drew up the architectural blueprints and chose the Scandinavian timber and nine-inch nails that are used for his popular, weekly crucifixion events. Observers have described these huts as both ‘vast’ and ‘palatial’ and they can sleep two with extra space for a cat. The golden lavatory fittings around a latrine hole in the back of the hut was described as ‘pretty gross’ [citation needed]. However, coming from a strictly ascetic Hindu tradition, Ratso has turned over all his huts and top-of-the-range triciles to destitute bag-ladies, while he personally insists on sleeping on nails in the nearest pedestrian subway, where loyal followers feed him a strictly vegan diet of holy water and organic rice crackers. Rumours of Guru Ji enjoying a luxury lifestyle have been roundly scotched on Wikipedia by as many as two notable authorities with a neutral point of view. None of Maharaj Ji’s personal wealth derives from his followers’ donations. Instead, his allegedly obscene fortune was accrued entirely through world sales of his patent invention, the cucumber frame. Not only does 'the Living Lobster' offer his Inner Message of Peace and Loveliness free of charge, he even pays his worldwide following of 17 million devotees (known as ‘Friendlies’) to attend his celebrated 'pisspoor' speaking events. Here, they are known to ritually ‘slobber’ and ‘grovel’ around his perfect feet, crooning the ancient devotional hymn, "Aah – tea-time" (which the poetically-gifted Rat himself penned in a previous incarnation) as Indian mahatmas dance in ecstasy and dusky, grass-skirted Tahitian maidens fan his sacred brow with palm fronds: Jai gurudev, Maharaj Ji / Your glory fills your head... [citation needed] While some commentators argue that Guru Ji's fluency in twenty-three languages was acquired at his Mother’s Holy Knee, other authorities believe he picked up many irregular verbs at the breakfast table when he was, by then, in his potty-chair. When recently asked whether he has any intention of retiring, or passing on his 64 supernatural yogic powers to his lovely daughter, 'Friendliness-Incarnate', Mahahij ji is alleged to have replied: ‘When I’m sitting on a golden goose? What do you think?’ No reliable evidence is available to confirm this controversial quote. But neutral academic, "the terrorist’s friend", Dr. Who, at least agrees with himself that Maharaji Ji’s ‘Inner Message of Peace and Loveliness’ will (from the professor's own research into quantum physics) endure for the rest of eternity, and possibly beyond.
Modified by larkin at Sat, Apr 15, 2006, 18:49:56
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