or some such feeling......
That was something I was afraid of loosing when I exited the cult.
Although at the time of ex-ing my life was in a bit of a mess and i was experiencing the fallout of not exercising critical thinking, falling into the ways of another narc in a personal relationship, and feeling cruelly treated by the universe and more than half the people in it.
Neither prem rawat nor his foundation-less knowledge was helping. In fact hindering the entire process, I was later to discover.
So I guess there was nothing much left to lose in that way at that point.It felt like the world was against me and all i had at times was my illusory love- prem
After the initial phase of ex-ing it took me a while even so, to understand that I could, if I preferred it, still carry with me a feeling of the universe working for me, in my best interests, beyond what I may imagine that to be.
It wasn't hard to feel that in the first instance, when i first discovered some truth about prem rawat, when after much self enquiry and pleading to any higher power I could summon ( Jesus as it turned out) I discovered the reason I had attracted the crazy, idiot, narc relationship that was causing 7 degrees of hell into my sphere.
The startling reason was I had a long distance obsession with a full blown narc called prem running 24/7 !!!!
So yes in the beginning I did feel like the universe is working with me, for me, even though it took me 30 years to get there (what's 30 years in the life of an infinite being? a far out friend of mine would say)
But sifting through the long held beliefs that I didn't know I had, was this idea that it was because of him I felt that, and part of me had suspended belief in that fact because I didn't believe him anymore.
looking back before I was seduced into the cult ( that's pretty much what happened actually)
I did have an inbuilt faith that life was on my side. So I decided I could take that belief further on my journey now, consciously, not because of any teacher, or any happening but just because I hold true to the understanding the creative power is love.
When things happen, as they inevitably have done, that cause me angst of some kind I can react in 2 ways. Either life is for me or life is against me.
It's been nice to discover the differences in my reactions from either of those points of view. Feeling like life is for me I can look the cold hard facts in the eye and still feel safe. I am more likely to have fun
When in the cult I was emotionally kidnapped to the point that who I identified as Me was in fact a construct.I was basically telling myself it's not safe to Be Me
So although my faith in Life being for me (and it still was) my idea of that 'me' was as a servant to prem rawat - so the rest of me that wasn't captured and was waiting on the sidelines could not receive the blessings and good stuff that arrived - because some of what arrived didn't fit the PR bill- and was dismissed by the cognitive dissonance avoidance monitors at the door.
For example, some people who strongly disagreed with my cult involvement would have been easily dismissed from my contact
In effect my identity had been hijacked a little bit, maybe more than I care to admit.
I identified as a premie first, lol
It's lol now!
Any how it's good because I see that yes, I can feel life is on my side.
Evidence being I am no longer in a cult!
... along with mounting evidence of goodness and kindness in my world and in me.
Once a long time ago I had a dream that I found a diamond in a mountain of shit while on a school trip.
It feels a bit like that sifting through the mire of maya he regurgitated all over the place to find the jewels that are me and mine that have endured the entire process and are just waiting for a polish and some recognition and some light to reflect in.
It's kind of exciting....it is a renewal.
Even the fact that humanity needs a secret technique that will only be revealed to the special (brainwashed) ones is an idiot idea when I think about it.
Surely all we needed was that sincere heart , which he requested of us in the beginning.
Unfortunately I had my heart listen to his mind instead of mine.
I love my mind, I'm happy with the way I think thanks very much prem.
I wish i could interview you actually, I'd run rings around you
SO boring listening to his alcoholic, vain, narc ramblings for so long.
His self inflated identity became an interloper in my identity, an energy vampire, a parasite.
Slowly, very slowly, that's why it lasted 30 years.
Eventually as a host I just dried up prem and you fell off like a fat tick.
I'm often funniest at my most abject.