For me, I spent a lot of time helping to bring folk to his "knowledge", and no time pursuing my own life and personal growth.  In my dark moments I see mountains of guilt thinking of those who I brought to the guru, who are still in there, brainwashed.  I know it takes time to process this stuff..... 

   Best wishes to you, kind thoughts

   

Our natural talent for critical thinking was almost completely disengaged. Plus we had an undercurrent of awareness, put there by him, that one didn't deserve anything for oneself or for one's own life direction unless he was the main focus. In fact that was the thing that was going to bring the ultimate satisfaction we're looking for. We were allowed to be 'attached' to him, but not to ones family or friends or career or any idea or desire.

 Unless it was spoon fed to us from him we had no right to expect a good outcome or anything positive from the world or interaction with it. How very demoralising, disheartening and downright mean.

It becomes easier and easier to see the small changes in thinking that disconnected us from our true selves and had us align our personal power, our resources, mental, emotional and physical to him and his unwieldy lifestyle and entourage of sycophants. 

Welcome aboard your own ship, with your own hands on the steering wheel. It's a good time to purposefully propel oneself in your own direction, take on the things you may have otherwise dropped , disengage from the feeling of loss or wasted time, or beating yourself up for falling for it. The best revenge is taking off and making your own life good and getting better. 

I'm feeling grateful now everyday for the fact that I am no longer on that leash. Better and better stories are going to take over your future, because you have YOU back

Thank you for your welcome, all of you here.

Warms up my heart

It felt lonely to leave.

Has been a while really. 96/97...thats 20 years already.

I have kept a very low profile. Fear. 

I did have some interaction with EPO at the beginning. Or rather soon after its opening.

I left 20 years ago already 96/97

My life was a big big painful mess.

I did have some interaction with EPO at its beginning when I was told it did exist. I had severed the tie just before that. Alone and lonely with it.

About this interaction...Maybe I will tell later what kind of. If I do though I will loose my anonymity and not ready for that.

My son, a little boy then, helped me in the process, believe it or not!

The struggle was so hard. There was this summer nevertheless when Rawat was about to come to London and we were in Europe at that point. In spite of my having severed the tie, secretly as I had not told any premie about it...I was tempted to go to London, mostly to hang around people I knew who may have been there.

My little boy said no mom you are NOT going...you are just starting to get it together...I was working a real job. So he said no. And I knew he was right. I did not go.

So many awful things happened that precipitated my leaving Rawat and cie.

I still fear to talk about it. Because it is Rawat and his toxic soup. But also me in it, my life, my family. 

So at the time I left I essentially kept to myself. 

With my fear and huge amounts of pain.  Plus lots of work to do to get out of the terrible hole I was in.

Now there is also a feeling of shame.

Even though am aware it takes lots of courage to do what we did, that is to free ourselves. 

And that really this shame is just a remnant of something which is not right.

The unravelling of the trauma that we have all been through is a weird and interesting journey. At least it lets you figure out with increasing clarity what you do want.

I spoke to a friend the other night, she said she lights a candle in the morning and says to the mirror with her hand on her heart, I honour myself. It touched me, she is such an amazing woman and she said well, this is what I do to keep me strong. Every beautiful small thing we do to be more in tune with who we really are is a lovely expression of the freedom we have,

 we have made the uncommon victory of escape, not many people get to say they left a cult behind. We have to remember to pat ourselves on the back, and each other and say, yeah, we made it. 

The possibilities are endless, the leash is off. The future is bigger than the past ever could be. I honour and celebrate all of us here, this exiting thing is a testimony to our inner strength and fortitude.

 I remember once when I was experiencing my first real doubts, I was crying, wondering out loud, if I didn't have him I didn't have anything. I believed that at the time. Harrowing.How had he managed to superimpose himself in order of importance above my own inner being? Insidious. 

The future is so free and so much bigger and better than anything he has ever offered me. It is inclusive and integrative of me as my whole self, no more compartmentalising my life into seperate segments and personas for those in the know and those who dont talk about that stuff. Concepts! oh my, I can't believe how many concepts I have happily dropped in the bin since leaving. Everything he said! it's laughable now, so inside out and back to front. I laugh! it makes me feel better. And I can choose! Like my friend with the candle. Whatever I do, laugh or cry, I feel better than being stuck in that rut, even on a bad day

Actually this morning I was thinking of starting a thread titled " the illusion of love"

But now I see you are already tackling the subject.

Plays and stories have a beginning and an end right?

Well this one for me started with the first " event " I went to. In Philadelphia.

Rawat appeared to me then a a salesman. Aka a greasy cars salesman. 

Except, I thought during the whole thing, how disgusting this guy is, trying to sell love.

We all heard what is been said about first impressions

I should have kept to those!

The closing of the story was a letter I received from Marolyn.

This letter was posted on ex.premie.org by an ex in France to whom I had mentioned receiving this missive. He asked my permission to post it. I did let him do it. That was pretty much after the site started I think.

That letter is a clear statement of the lack of concern R and his wife have for their flock. 

I did not get involved on this forum ( even though I read into it)

Have no idea if letter is still there or not..

In any case, the statement expressed in it is a loud and clear " go f...yourself".

She concluded it writing that premies who left /doubted R were "assholes" .

Was rather anal really

Not a trace of concern in there, not of trace of love.

Nilch.

But I started writing and it is such a story of heavy abuse. 

It spooks me. My own life story.

It spooks me because it is Rawat his wife his "good" doctors, the Hanzelik/Horton glorious pair who are involved. But also the super heavy domestic abuse I faced. All this enmeshed. My trying to survive all this. Which I did so far. 

I am writing on it. And I want to say. i want to tell. 

Heck I do. But..

It is so exposing. 

Especially if I tell it as it was. I mean not able to make something humourous about it. Which maybe I should try.

Make everybody laugh is better.

Wooosh...this is a real journey. Am grateful for this forum which helps me to unravel these layers of fear and shame I am living on.

It is huge. Am aware of the huge impact it has on my present life and how much it keeps me from living more fully.