Well, to either your glee, your revulsion, or more likely your indifference, and to my amazement, I have “come out.”
I have read through some of the comments made to my posts so far. I readily accept the criticism aimed at me for not taking the time to familiarize myself with the site. But in truth, I never even considered that Mike would post my message. It was just a personal conversation we were having. So, my sincere apologies for that.
And as for my angry words, yes, I receive your disapproval and do sincerely offer my apologies. Whatever threat I offered was never intended to be a physical one, but it could easily been seen in that way. Again, I can’t excuse my words with some explanation.
But I was truly shocked at the hurtful words I saw. It did truly anger me that some would express what seemed to me to be venomous language, that could be hurtful to others, especially since, to the best I could see, the comments were predicated on opinions of what happened or still happens, not necessarily what was actually happening.
Certainly, you can say, “Well, I saw this happen, and I saw that happen, and I know X number of people who were hurt, if not traumatized.” Yes, that is what you know and you have every right, in fact the obligation to act based upon what you know.
But I found myself greatly troubled when I saw that what the writers sincerely knew and observed was being extrapolated to an entire understanding of a situation, and of people’s experience, their fear or courage, their weakness or gullibility, their culpability. That threw me for a loop.
I apologize sincerely for speaking in generalities, for I have also seen many here speak differently, many with their own true experience. I have no right, nor do I mean to extend my concerns to everyone. And I have not an ounce of doubt that I could, and hope to, learn so much from you.
Yet, even as I wrote my angry words, I was well aware that responding out of anger to someone else’s perceived anger, only perpetuates a cycle. Still, that is a judgment that we all must make each day. If I came upon someone beating a homeless person in the street, would I hold back my anger, or would I let it propel me into an action I feel is worthy. Am I comparing what I took as violent, hurtful language and judgments on this site with a senseless beating, you bet your boots.
It is my opinion that anger is not a harmful emotion or response. It is with what wisdom it is employed that determines its rightfulness. If a saber-tooth tiger was carrying away my child, you’re damn tooting I’d be angry.
So, I do see a way that evolution has preserved that particular aspect of us for perhaps good reasons. It is when we lose our connection to the “normalcy” of human existence that we begin to pervert and misuse anger and so many other parts of ourselves.
Well, who’s to draw the line? What is useful anger and what is perverted anger is a choice that we all must somehow make for ourselves, while doing so within the standards that society has established.
So, I acknowledge that while I might have felt anger, to respond from it was not a wise reaction. It is not hard to see that my words would be received as a threat, and I completely acknowledged that they arose from a sense of indignation at what I was reading. Perhaps I mistakenly assumed that my sincere offer to open conversations might help convey what I meant by saying I would stop you. That was unskillful and unwise. So, my words were just as mean and hurtful as those of others I have criticized.
The way we can bring an end to violence, I believe, is to reinforce the connection we have as humans. I truly hope some of you may choose to call me. I have little doubt I would have more to learn from those conversations than I would have to offer.
To stand up against what we perceive as angry or venomous only makes sense by shifting the dynamic that birthed the anger. So, whether it be by ongoing postings, or even phone calls, I will do what I can to help address what feels like anger to me and if I have even a drop of integrity, I will see that effort as more relevant to me than anyone else.
But I believe that what I meant by hurtful words may not be what you assumed I meant. That is what I hope to address most here.
So, allow me to address some of the responses I read.
Right off the bat, was a comment, “If you're so full of love, you should find it easy to dismount from your high horse and discuss things with the rest of us as equals.”
If any of you left my posting with any sense that I’m so full of love, well, I’m beyond surprised. I did say that I am trying to live more by love each day. And I can’t believe it wasn’t totally obvious that I have an awfully long way to go.
In that regard, I am not approaching this posting with a sense of defending myself. Much of what has been said touched me with its truthfulness. My hope here is to perhaps offer clarification of some of my comments. Whether they will convince you, or cause you to sneer at my chutzpa, I don’t know. I do feel responsible to all of you to let you know what I experienced and what is my reaction to some of what I have read here.
If I rode any high horse (which, by the way, I’m scared shitless of), it was not intended to place myself above you but to find a way to join with you. Saying that, I surely did climb on that (scary as shit) high horse, when I found, what seemed to me to be hurtful responses. Who am I to judge. Well, nobody, I guess. Just me reacting to what I too often perceive in our world to be commonly acceptable “assaults” on one another. You certainly don’t need my permission to decide that I’m way off base.
As consciously as I can be, I am writing this post with no intention of winning, or of proving myself right. You have already seen my many faults and I can only ask for, but not expect, your understanding and forgiveness if you find me wandering far from my stated intention.
So, here we go. (Oh by the way, even if you find my feeble attempts at humor to be nothing less than annoying, to know that I am passing up my beloved Yankees on TV says a great deal about my sincerity.)
One comment was, “After reading your post, I had to go back and reread the thread that resulted from your previous post. I didn't find the venom that you referred to. Perhaps I am missing something. Can you please point out specifically those posts or portions of posts that you find offensive? Thanks.”
Here’s some of what I took as venomous comments: And to be right up front, you will see some of what I perceived as harmful could be due to the language used, but much more of what angered me was that people were speaking as if they knew something they did not know. And I found that their comments were coming from assumptions they had made about what they were speaking of – but were just that – assumptions. Ridiculing, dismissing or acting disdainful from a sense that you are right and they are wrong can be equally hurtful, and I will get to that.
1.
“I am sure that our informant didn't go to Satsang (the Company of Truth) that night and talk of his real experience any of those days: "Dear brothers and sisters, Jai Sat, Chit (Truth, Awareness), Anand. Today I was able to buy a really expensive bottle of cognac by His Grace and your darshan gifts and the Lord of the Universe skulled it down and was well and truly passed out by the time I left the Residence for satsang. I don't understand why the Perfect Master wants to get drunk as a skunk, piss his pants and vomit all over the carpet but I am just a humble premie. Tomorrow there will be service available at the Residence for presentable blonde sisters with toothbrushes and/or birth control… It should have been called Bakavasang – The Company of Bullshit”
2.
"I was well aware that I made a choice - to remain with him, and so never harbored deep resentment from that aspect, like I was tricked, trapped, or cajoled." That's, well I have a phrase for it, I call it the double-fuck…enough said?”
3.
“I do hold Rawat responsible. He knew he was not the Lord of the Universe, or anything close. Yet he played to our spiritual vulnerabilities without remorse. Money is his focus always. People are to be used to provide him more money and property. He is a leach, a pretender, and a scoundrel.”
4.
“It's hard to forgive someone else's complicity when they seem to express no regret themselves, nor acknowledge the harm caused with their assistance. Just shrugging it off and never thinking about it doesn't cut it for me.”
5.
“I felt that you and your friend must have encouraged each other’s denial of the negative side of premiedom. The whole thing still makes me sick.”
But all these leads me to the main thing I want to share with you. It sounds like many of you think GMJ is not the Lord of the Universe, the Perfect Master, the Living Incarnation of God.
Well, all I have to say is how do you know that? Oh, I can see (and personally joined in with) people who say that all you have to do is to look at his actions, his meanness, his self-centeredness, his obsession with material wealth, his seeming lack of care, compassion and love for his followers, and his obsessive need to be placed on a pedestal.
But – this is what I most hope to share – you don’t know whether he is the Perfect Master or not. You don’t know whether his grace moves and loves billions. You don’t. You just don’t.
You can say that by every judgment you make and by everything you believe in, you can say with certainty that he is a fraud, based on all that. You can point to what seems like clear harm that has been wrought on people by their relationship with him.
But you truly do not know if he is the real thing. You truly don’t. You are judging him through your eyes and experiences – as 21st Century Americans. Really, how else could you judge him?
Now, here is where we can get into some juicy discussions. Do I truly know that ISIS is not the force of the one, true god? Well, how can I justify standing up to them, but question your impulse to stand similarly up to GMJ.
It is in this realm that the deepest parts of our humanity are called forth. I can only say for myself that I have discovered my proverbial line that I refuse to cross. ISIS is a pretty simple choice. How about Trump? How about the purveyors of our culture making trillions of dollars by holding down millions and millions of people, by hypnotizing masses of people with well, you can fill in the blanks – money, sex, power – whatever.
I wouldn’t be shocked if most of your hands were raising. “Your damn right Trump is also a con man.” But whatever your political persuasion, such judgments seem rather easy.
But they become subtler. Do you know that 10,000 children starve to death every day? Please re-read that sentence. It is true. 3 ½ million a year. Think of a single mother holding her baby, with a bloated stomach and flies circling her head. Now think of a room filled with women whose babies died – in their arms – that very day. Now think about a basketball arena, filled with mothers, whose babies starved to death in their arms that very day. There is more to this exercise, but it is too painful for me to get into.
Now, who’s the villain there? Who deserves our hatred? The African tribesmen, the African politicians, the UN personnel, the billionaire financiers, the world leaders, intent only on maintaining their power and their world view, no matter what the cost? Who do you hate?
I still do all in my power to change the level of utter disdain, inhumanity, self-concern, bigotry, etc., that still lies deeply in the heart of our nation and our culture. But it has become clearer to me that my finger of blame is most powerfully turned back at me.
I receive the fruits of the culture that allows this. I turn a blind eye to the pain and suffering of my fellow beings, every day. The blame starts with me. I don’t see how I can feed those babies, or even get Trump out of office (at least for 4 years). But that is the ultimate deception – to lead us into believing we are powerless. You are not responsible for it so you aren’t responsible for fixing it.
For myself, I do my best to see where I am responsible and do my best to help change it. It’s hard, very hard. The rewards of the world aren’t showered on people who, even in their small way, raise a cry against inhumanity.
This is not meant to dismiss GMJ’s role, although I do with all my sincerity encourage you, even if you want to stand against the damage you see him do, in the terms you understand and have chosen to live by, to hold the compassion for the human experience that many receive as his gift. The numbers of people whose lives have found meaning in the surrender, even if it is harsh, to their guru is beyond what we can imagine.
So, sure, stand up to what you see that is happening and cannot support. But don’t ridicule it just because you don’t know what it is. I find that to be the worst kind of violence; for it separates us and places judgments on each other. It is bigotry, plain and simple, and it is, I believe, the ultimate reason that those babies are starving.
Maybe I can’t feed all those babies, but I can tell you this story and perhaps in some small way encourage you to see through the lies and illusions that are not only as strong in our culture as they ever were in GMJ’s, but even more insidious, hidden, justified, and rewarded.
I lived with GMJ. I had a true experience of him as my guru. Say what you will about that, but I am not and was not a fool. You truly think I was brain-washed? What do you know of the experience I had? Now, I chose to walk away from it for, even though for 13 years, it was the path for me, it no longer was.
But what right does that give me to judge the man, his actions and his followers. From what I see here, many of us experienced hurt, perhaps felt abused. That’s not to be dismissed. Did he act in ways that seemed to cause that, very likely.
But it was and it is not the same for many, many other people, even the small numbers of GMJ’s followers in America, much less the millions and millions of Hindus who receive their guru’s actions in a completely different way than we do.
I personally know quite a few people who’ve been with GMJ for over 40 years and are grateful beyond their ability to express. You going to tell them they’re being conned, duped? You going to tell them they are not having the experience they are? You going to tell them that GMJ is a phony? You going to show them lists of people who were hurt, whether by GMJ’s actions or what it did to them (and again, in no way trivializing what happened in so many lives from his actions.?
The truth as I see it is that we know what we know. I can only hope that it is compassion that empowers this site; it is kindness and understanding that holds our healing. I’m not meaning to dismiss a real need perhaps to express rage or to recount experiences of horror you knew.
Another comment that moved me is: BTW, one thing I do is read a lot. I read two to three books per week. I read your friend's post three times before I responded. So, my comprehension level is quite high, so please don't presume that I don't have the ability to read posts here without understanding them.
If I did that, I not only did not have the intention to do so, but don’t know what I said that led to your conclusion. Would you be willing to share more with me so I can better understand and hopefully avoid behaving like that?
I don’t doubt that we will have more to share, but right now, my Yankees need me.
