Hello,

In my last post I
commented on the repetitive nature of Forum content, but we may actually break
some new ground here (and I apologize for never being able to get the dang
formatting to look right after cutting / pasting).  My friend has asked me to post the following:

I've seen some of the responses to
my message that Mike posted here.

I must admit that I was stunned by
the venomous words I have seen, especially from people who literally have no
idea of what they are talking about.  You are certainly entitled to your
opinion, and it doesn’t surprise me that so much about GMJ deserves condemnation.
 But truthfully, while you are entitled to your opinion, you are not
entitled to disrespect people whose experience you don’t know anything about or
to try to cause hurt through your words.  I’m talking less about me, but
about the many good people on this site who must put up with the words of
hatred.  You can share what you observed and how you reacted to that.
 But if you attempt to say what I experienced, said or did; if you insult
me out of what I can only see as ignorance and ill will, I am going to stop
you.

Admittedly, I know little about this site.  Perhaps it is meant to be a
vehicle for people to get out what haunts them.  I can only hope that
serves you.  However, if I continue to see people post hurtful language,
largely coming from ignorance and, although I don’t know, I can only assume,
some need to express anger, I will stop you.   I have made a
commitment in my life to stand up to violence, be it through actions or words,
as best as I can.  If anything, that commitment was only further nourished
by my experience with GMJ.  I may not be able to stop ISIS terrorists from
cutting off heads, but I can stop those of you who are striking out and hurting
people.  If you doubt my ability to do so, you don’t know me.  So,
test me.  Continue to speak hurtful words.  I truly invite you to.
 I haven’t had such a wonderful opportunity put in front of me in a long, long
time.



If you chose to criticize my comments that criticize your comments that
criticize my comments, you will play that game on your own.  I seek ways
for us to connect and find true commonality.  If anyone chooses, I will
authorize Mike to share my phone number with any one of you, although I don’t
know how that would work logistically.  I don’t want there to be those who
are right and those who are wrong.  What does that do for us, as
individuals, or as people seeking a way to create a more livable world.
 My life is truly very busy, but if I can support someone, in any way,
that is important to me.



So, if you think I am off the wall, deluded or dangerous, let’s talk.
 Hopefully, we would both come away from our conversation having learned
something.  In any case, it may well be a hell of a conversation!



In the meantime, perhaps what I share below about what my life was like with
GMJ in the 1970s, may help provide a context in which to see what occurred from
a different perspective. You may already be well aware of what I will share, in
which case, I apologize for taking up your time.  But if you are not, I
hope you find some value in it.  



When I became involved with GMJ in 1971, I was in my early 20s; and I literally
joined the Hindu religion.  Any actions of those days need to be seen in
that context. And any relationship I had in those early years with GMJ can only
be understood in that context.  



It might be that Hinduism is a religion you abhor, but many, many hundreds of
millions of people have traveled that path.  Certainly, within Hinduism,
there are and have been gurus, teachers, masters - whatever you call them - who
have exhibited great care, compassion and wisdom.  But also there are
countless examples of gurus throughout history who literally led armies of
their followers to slaughter many people.  This isn’t intended as a
history lesson.  You can explore that further if it is useful to you.
 But I would also remind you that many similar acts were carried out in
the name of Christianity (not to say that somehow justifies them).



To be clear from the outset, I am certainly not an expert in Hinduism, but I
can only share what I do know.  Core to Hinduism is the surrender, let me
repeat that word - the surrender – of one’s life to a guru.  That is not
seen as a task.  It is the most astounding gift from, well, whomever it
was supposed to be a gift from.  Many, many people, even in recent times,
have searched and prayed that a guru would be revealed to them.  You see,
a guru was not seen as a person, but the manifestation of god in our world. In
that sense, how a guru lived or acted was inconsequential. As god’s manifestation,
a guru was seen as being beyond any definitions we might apply to other people.
I am not saying that is right, but only sharing what I learned over decades of
immersion in that practice.  



In that religion, the incomprehensible glorious gift, beyond what any human
being has the right to expect, is that a guru offers the opportunity - even
more - the very purpose of life. By completely and utterly surrendering your
life to a guru's will and guidance, god is showing you his (or her) endless and
supreme grace - to know him, to serve him, to love him.  



Buying GMJ fleets of cars, airplanes (and even pot) wasn’t evaluated in the
terms that we, as modern and hopefully reasonable people, can understand.
 It was seen in the light of an entire perspective of reality.  It
was more than an honor or a gift, it was a grace of an all-loving god being
offered.  You might reasonably ask how this gift of love can cause harm to
so many.  Well, eventually, I could no longer avoid that very question and
had to act on it.  But I do offer the fact that even today countless
people consider that surrender to a guru to be the ultimate gift offered to
them.

I kissed his feet!  Can you
believe that?  And more than once - a lot more.  There are millions
of people who would say that I was blessed beyond comprehension to have had
that chance.  There are literally hundreds of thousands of people - right
now - who walk for weeks just to be in their guru’s presence, sometimes standing
so far back in the crowd that they can't even see him.  That I could kiss
his feet - unbelievable!  If that sickens you - well, you might consider
how that rings of bigotry.  You can chose not to do what I did, but you
can’t cast derision on someone whose religious practices are different than
your beliefs.  That kind of small-mindedness has led to the useless
slaughter of millions over centuries.  When do we break that cycle?

Was I a fool to accept that path?  I did not feel so at the time, after
years and years of spiritual seeking.  I was not an idiot.  I was not
tricked.  I found an experience that I had longed for.  Whether it is
a way you would want or even fathom that you could take is up to you.  But
I encourage you not to dismiss it because you did not experience it or know
what is was - both in the moment it was occurring and as a profound, ancient
and honored religion.

Very important in understanding what I shared on this forum was the experience
I had.  First, I meditated two to four hours a day for more than a decade.
That’s a hell of a lot of meditation. I can never explain what that experience
was, other than to say that it still provides me with a great well of love and
understanding, nearly 50 years later.  I spoke to crowds of 40,000 people
and felt such profound love moving through me that I could not deny it.



The experience I had in serving GMJ was so exquisite that I still try to
experience it in the work and the life I now have – not through surrender to a
guru, but by knowing that I still exist to serve; now I would say to serve humanity
and all those I touch.  I no longer think of it as serving god or a guru,
but I certainly understand that many, many people still see their lives from
that perspective.



I awoke every morning at 4 AM and sang “arti” in Hindi - a chant in honor of the
guru, waving a golden plate holding a candle of ghee (purified butter) before
his picture.  Believe it to not, I can still sing that goddam song in
Hindi - more than 50 years later.  Then I sat for two hours in mediation.
 Then I got up and did my service all day.  And then, every night, I
mean I missed not more than 10 nights in 15 years, gathering to tell of our
experiences, stories of the great “perfect masters,” celebrate god- satsang.
 Then it was back to meditating for a few hours.  For 14 years!
 Poverty, chastity and obedience!  I lived the life that every Hindu
ashram resident had lived for many hundreds of years.  And if you think
that was a bad life, well, I guess you’re entitled to your opinion. My
time with GMJ was a total immersion and one that I will never regret.  

At the same time that I describe what my days were like, I am fully aware that
it was a classical example of brain-washing.  No doubt about it.  But
don't monks live like that?  And not to get too far off the deep end
philosophically, if I haven’t already, isn’t every culture a cult?  We
define our accepted behaviors, we reinforce them all the time, we tell our
stories (TV, Facebook), use our special language and receive the gifts from the
dedication to our practice.  Sounds like a Wall Street broker might fit
that description, too.  



But it changed for us, even back in the ashram days.  We moved from the
yoga whites phase to the suits from Goodwill phase to the suits from Brooks
Brothers phase.  GMJ was, it seemed, trying to relate to the world he was
discovering that didn’t have much to so with his Prem Nagar ashram on the
Ganges (where I stayed for 6 months) or the Ram Lila Grounds in Delhi, where he
would speak to a million people.  I’m not exaggerating.  I was there.
 There was this 12 year old kid holding the rapt attention of a million
people.  What the he’ll was that?  I don’t know and truly, I no
longer care.  There are lots of things I don’t know about - whether we
come back after we die, whether Jesus will return for the rapture.  I
can’t say those things are not true or that they are.  But I can know what
road I chose to follow each day.



It was an absolutely wild time; but in many ways, it was an absolutely wild
times throughout America- the 70s.  And, mostly, it was great joy.  I
don’t know if that joy came from my devout practice of a religion, any
religion, or if it was from his grace.  I have to tell you, for a long
time I not only believed, but I knew it was by his grace.  I have no idea
what to say about all that.  Only, that as our lifestyle changed, the
meanness of the man became much harder for me to dismiss.



I wish I had some words to sum it up.  But like in life, our experience in
every moment, be it meditating or taking a shower, is beyond the mind’s
understanding.  Our minds create concepts - packages or units it parcels
out to deal with what it experiences, because it cannot see the whole. The
classic example is that the mind thinks when we get ill, there’s something
wrong with our body.  It is not too “out there” these days to recognize
that we are one whole - body, mind, emotions, spirit.   Does our mind
know reality?  I doubt it.  It seems to me that it’s operating within
the limitations of our brains, and ends up creating a world view of separation
and limitation.  



The sad part to me comes when our limited minds, overwhelmed with delusions and
frightened to live in the true unknown that life is, strike out - in anger,
confusion and pain; and with that, cause so much suffering to others.  One
thing that GMJ used to say that I still have no doubt about is that too often
we actually not only listen to all our mind’s concepts, but believe them and
act upon them.  Of course, life calls out for action.  But when that
action is steeped in humility, with a sense of our common humanity, and in
seeing the wonder of each day, life can be transformed.



I think the hope, the dream of all spiritual roads is to experience, glimpse,
connect with reality beyond our minds - God? String theory? The return to glory
of my New York Yankees?  I no longer know, and I no longer care.
 Maybe I should.  I do know each moment what choice is available to
me and as much as I can, I chose to open to love.



But the point I want to make is that I had an - I don’t know what words to put
on it - extraordinary, overflowing with love, an unquestionable connection to
the meaning of my life.  It was an amazing experience.  I am not
using that to justify anything, but only to share my experience.  I have
no idea of what it’s like with Prem Rawat now, or what it's been for 30 years.
 Truly, no idea.  And the question just doesn’t come up for me.  

I encourage you to consider that not everyone sees the world as we do. I
understand and respect their right to do so.  However, in saying that, I still
draw my boundaries that I will absolutely not step beyond.  As I brought
up above, one could say that ISIS has another world view.  Who’s to say
they don’t have the right to it.  Well, in my heart and in my mind, I say
they do not have the right to.  To slaughter, enslave and cause
unimaginable suffering to those who do not accept their views - I stand up and
say, I do not accept your right to do so, and I will stop you.



You might view what I did in a similar light.  When I say I caused harm to
others, perhaps I can explain better what I meant.  One example was that
when GMJ needed skilled labor from around the country to work on his airplane,
whether they were ashram residents or married with families, I encouraged them
to come to “serve.”  Did I understand then that it was wrong to cause
families to separate, even temporarily, whether in the name of a guru or not?
  I did not.  I did not have that level of awareness then.
 



I like to think that my awareness has grown. I do my best to live my life from
the greatest sense of awareness, care and love I can find within myself.
 Did I know I was causing harm then and overlook it because I was directed
by GMJ?  Honestly, no.  That is why that I look back at my actions of
those times with chagrin.



Was I a blind fool to see things that way then?  I truly don’t know.
 Did I think that buying pot for my 13 year old guru was an odious act?
 At that time, I did not.  Was I a fool?  Maybe.  But more
directly, I was a servant of my guru.  Even back then, the question would
come up, “Would you kill if GMJ told you to?”  Not for one instant was I
unclear about that.  I would not cross the boundaries of my values; even
if my values might not have been as clearly formed then as they are now.



Over time, I could no longer deny or explain away what I saw him doing, and how
he lived his own life, and knew I had to draw my line.  There are
countless stories, for example, one being of a guru wandering the streets, dead
drunk, with two “women of the night” in his arms, and nearly everyone
shuttering their windows in disgust.  But the lesson offered was that only
the true devotee could recognize a guru.  Certainly I am no longer willing
to accept that idea, but the truth is that many, many people still do.
 Clearly, that is changing rapidly as western values permeate the world.
 But don’t think for a moment that that perspective no longer exists.

I offer the thought that if you
think my ashram life with GMJ was terrible – well, I’d chose it over working 60
hours a week to afford that fourth TV to put in the bathroom, so you don’t
miss…well, whatever you think you’re missing.  And it sure beats being so
stressed out that you don’t even notice how many shades of green there are in
the tree overhead.  Yeah, we can communicate a hundred times faster; but
what are we communicating?  Ever read those texts and tweets kids are
sending out these days, their heads buried so deep in the latest iPhone that
they don’t even know what’s going on around them, much less participating in
it?  I’m not longing for the good old days.  But I am longing for a
sense of family and community that is so much more important.  It’s not
the times or the technology that makes life good.  It’s the connection we
can have to each other, to nature and to it all.  Maybe some of you should
save your anger for your own life and don’t go pontificating about how terrible
others are. 

I’m not promoting the ashram or
GMJ's lifestyle anymore.  I stopped living it 35 years ago.  But I
had that experience and I knew what I was choosing to walk away
from.  And I’m not blaming someone else for my experience.  I’m
taking responsibility for my own life.  Each day, I have the choice to
experience depression, anger, stress and frustration or to experience love.  That’s
a choice I make day to day, minute to minute.

Am I a coward to look back after all
these years and lament what I did?  I don’t know and I don’t find value in
ruminating over that.  I saw that I could no longer follow that path and I
made a change.  I guess you have every right to judge me however you wish,
but you do not have the right to spew venom as a sign of your disapproval.
 You can ask, how can I possibly be at peace with those actions.  In
truth, I have spent many decades learning and hopefully, growing.  I do my
best each day to live by my deepest values.  As most of you know, I would
assume, life is a journey we walk each moment.



I am not sorry for that part of my life.  If someone came to me today and
asked if I thought they should become a Hindu, I would not discourage them; but
only encourage them to know from the depth of their being that they are
choosing to follow the teacher they are truly meant to.



I feel lucky to have found a strength within to see what I truly value and to
make the effort to live by it.  I hope I share that with each of you.
 



I greatly apologize for all my preaching and for my expression of anger.
 But I am not sorry for responding with anger to what I see as hurtful
words.  I would see them the same way even if they didn’t demonstrate
ignorance.   If it isn’t already obvious to you, I claim no sainthood
for myself.  I’m just living my life, like you, trying to know and walk my
truth every day.