some people i know have a similar resentment from looking after a family member for years upon years, or staying in the same job for the security of the family. 

It doesn't really matter....resentment sucks , either way

The past is just the past 

 the truth is we are able to take up new interests at this age, or at any time.

 I am currently learning to sing. I have become aware that i enjoy it. I like to paint and if I kept at it i might be satisfied with something I paint, I tell myself i'd love to go to art school sometime. 

I dont care too much if i dont get there, if death catches me first, as much as care about the fact that i enjoy the thought of wanting something new in my future.

 I am knitting beanies at the moment for refugees, found some wool at the second hand shop. I'm enjoying that.

 I love to look at other artists work because it's inspiring, sometimes more enjoyable for me to just take in a persons expertise, I soak it up, all the colours and the form, its almost as good as if i'd laboured at it myself, or maybe it's better, all the enjoyment and none of the toil?

 Time doesn't wait, thats the difference between time and you and me, we wait.

The other day I was in a RAGE. I yelled at the universal forces at work in my life, I yelled at my repeating patterns, while I was driving to work. I refuse to fucking well wait anymore, I was saying, I'm not waiting for the love interests of my life to catch up to me any more, for life to catch up, for the world to get me. I refuse, I raged and yelled until I was hoarse. Then I got to work and just let it go. 

SO now I just ride any little whiff of inspiration for all its worth, if I'm inspired to learn to sing i will do it, If I want to go to a region to see it, to walk, to photograph, if i want to write something or even wear something I will just do it, enough with the second guessing!

 if I want to talk to someone now I just pick up the phone.

 It doesn't matter in the end if I'm just appreciating the light on the vase on the table or something else 'seemingly' more important, the appreciation and acknowledgement of the pleasure is nourishing in itself.

 When i hold myself in resentment, and I have done so at different times in my life, (in my marriage, my ex always taking off to be guru-side and not me) I hold myself apart from these small pleasures.

 When I hold myself in resentment the light on the vase seems it isn't for me somehow, my senses are dulled, all taken up with melancholy and a sense of lack. 

I really had to turn my thoughts around to get past it but of course it IS completely POSSIBLE to do. After all I woke up from a cult dream/nightmare didn't I?

 I CAN allow my perceptions to focus on the enjoyment of life, the wanting of something, anything new; heck it could be a new ice cream flavour or a new house plant. I might fancy painting the window sill a different colour or discover a new song on the radio. I might appreciate something old, that i always appreciate again and again

If something gives me the tiniest lift I purposely DWELL on it, otherwise it's the alternative, dwell on the imagined hole in my life. 

There are plenty of people who have never even sniffed a guru toe that feel similar shit things, we all have excuses, but I don't need to argue for my excuses, rather for my inspired thoughts and connections. 

Bottom line is I will not let some over inflated ego, self appointed god/demon suck the optimism from me. 

I wasn't wrong to be optimistic then or to have hope. 

It wasn't love that hurt me, rather the fact that I invested love in some that didn't even know how to care. 

No need to judge myself harshly, or even him in the end, I don't want him living rent free in my head after all. 

 I'm happy to remind myself every morning that I am free, and that my perceptions will create my reality this day, just like yesterday

I'm just happy that I'm not still there.

 You still have a life in front of you, let the light you see things in now be one that illuminates all the good in you and in every little thing that you can hear and see and smell and touch and FEEL all the feelings, good or bad and then make a choice to lean into the good feelings, give them more air time, talk about them, tell your friends about the gorgeous tree flowering in the garden, the photo you took with an eye to paint it one day, the poem you read, the bargain you scored, the amazing sound of a recording or the boutique beer you discovered... and leave the rest out... 

the universe is made of stories, I firmly believe that, my universe is made of my stories anyway, and I will re tell the story of the guru to myself until I have made it into a slapstick cartoon, it will have no more significance than that,.

While the light i see bouncing of a multi layered, luminescent petal will be the thing i put on a pedestal today, the experience i put on my altar of perception today so that I can partake in beauty.

My cat is a wonderful teacher, once I got another kitten because my boyfriend really wanted it, my darling old cat became withdrawn and depressed and slept in the garage, her fur became all lack lustre and she looked so sad. It went on for months, the other cat got bolder and my darling older cat became sick looking. Eventually I kicked out the boyfriend and gave away the new cat. I thought i had damaged my dear cat friend for life. BUT she bounced back within days. She didn't hold onto the past, she didn't reflect on the months she hid in the garage. She has moved house with me several times and each time she just adapts, accepts, and somehow gets a new lease on life by exploring a new territory, making each house her own, having new favourite rooms or places to sleep. I was amazed at her resilience, but it's not resilience in the way that i think of it, it's not that she holds her past like a weight of time, each day is a new day for her, each time she smells something its as if for the first time, each time she gets a cuddle it is THIS cuddle she feels. 

I look at her and realise i think too much, I place too much importance on things that hurt and I take for granted all the things that are going right in my life.

One of my favourite stories had a scene where a precious ornament was broken by a child, the mother broke the stunned silence by saying " I didn't like the colour of it anyway"

It's quite possible for me I've discovered to catch myself before i complain or feel overly disappointed by things to remember that scene and look after my own inner child in the same way, shrug it off and go find something i like the colour of, make a mountain out of a molehill of the things I DO like about my life right now, simply because I have understood that if I can put him on an altar I can put anything there and I can choose it at anytime. If I'm going to have trillions of perceptions to give my attention to ( and isn't that all I was doing, giving my attention to him) I choose now to focus my attention on the many small pleasures of walking barefoot on the grass, or imagining each drop of water in the shower is loving me. 

These will make up my reality and no bastard is going to tell me he has a copyright on my reality anymore!!!!  If I need to feel fierce rage in defence of me feeling better, so be it! 

It feels better than resentment anyway because it's more empowering to stand up for what I want to feel and declare it LOUDLY. 

I know what it's like to not know how to want something anymore, because of being so subjugated but those wants and desires are there and they are perfectly natural, enjoy letting them arise to the surface and enjoy getting curious about what they might be.

 A child doesn't question it's need to feel loved or to have fun and now we aren't chained to a control freak neither shall we

Merry Cosmos and Happy No Fear