WOW! Thank you SQ. This post is an incredible summary of the effect of decades in the cult. I'd like to humbly suggest that it be considered for top line status and reposted above. It explains perfectly the stagnation in our emotional development and the amazing return to the wholeness of our own humanity that we all strive for in life.
Of all the negative impacts that Rawat had on us, the denial and subjugation of our natural emotions may have been the worst. Rawat taught us how to suppress and subvert or redirect our feelings and impulses with the primary goal of supplanting those feelings with unwavering devotion to him. And it worked. I became an emotional vacuum while under his spell. In fact, my entire being was saturated and reprogrammed into a shell that reflected only what Rawat wanted from me; complete obedience.....
Its also amazing how resilient we can be in our quest to return to our natural state of being. The last 10 years after exing have been quite a ride as I've struggled to find the pieces of my shattered existence, and then cobble them back together. Despite all my efforts as a premie to destroy my true character, I've found that the template of myself remained just beneath the surface, so there is a lot of hope.
I can't say at this point, what would have become of me, if I had a chance to relive those 34 years in the cult. I'm not even sure if I'd honestly do that if I could. I just sort of go blank thinking about that; the what if question? Obviously I've got a lot more to process but it helps to write about it.
Thanks for this exchange SQ. There is so much common ground here at the forum and I very much appreciate everyone's thoughtful words.
