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Hi, I stumbled upon this forum some 3 nights ago. Am an ex-premie. Was very involved...for some 15 years. Quite a while back. And thought am done. No worries. Then recently on FB I befriended someone I know from that past. Nice person. Having in the back of my head that he is still with it. But then yes nice person. Then in the middle of an insomniac night I see a post by him with a recent photo of Rawat. Which by the way was taken down ( the post ) very rapidly..within an hour. Disappeared. It threw me into a shock though. Repulsion, disgust, fear. Intense. I never feel a pull nowadays or since I left in the late 90's, to see what he is doing what his family is at or to see pictures. But because of this photo, so unpleasant for me to look at, I started browsing and ended up on this forum. A post by Cynthia found on the web, post which I did appreciate, led me to it. Before and after Rawat, I was in contact with a few "spiritual teachers " . And I can say that each brought me something. Which am grateful for. And memories are fond. With Rawat, who unfortunately represents a major chunk of my adult life, this is not the case at all. In fact I do not consider him a spiritual teacher. I find him scary. Deranged. And what is amazing is that I cant recall a single thing he said that I kept with me. As valuable. Not a single thing! 15 f....years of my life. On the contrary I feel shame I was in this for so long. What was wrong with me? I feel sadness also as I was so involved. And it was a major chunk of our life. I have children, grown up now. This was part of our lives. Major major part. I left on my own. Destroyed pretty much. By other circumstances as well. Did not have a computer then. Busy re- constructing working. So busy. Struggling. Then at some point was contacted by someone I knew. Discovered I was not alone in the process of de-engaging. Ex- premies.org was born and functionning. I could have joined . I did not. My reasoning at the time was I wanted to severe the relationship completely. And thought keeping it on the other side of the coin so to speak was still having the relationship. I do feel differently now. Some things need to be processed. Anyhow, just felt a pull to join here and enter into some communication. Thank you for reading. Long post I am aware. |
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