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And welcome to the forum, if you're new. Well thought-out posts like that are exactly what this forum is for! I was actually about halfway through when realised you were addressing your younger self. We could even have a whole new thread where we all carry out that exercise - the forgotten dreams, wasted years and lost opportunities... Great stuff. Nige [btw. your font size looks incredibly small on my monitor, with big gaps between paragraphs - but you've got a few hours to go back in and edit it, if you like.]
Modified by Nigel at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 14:18:57
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this is a very useful exercise...
..... What we learn inside our own healing processes will be useful for many years to come.
.....Many still are unwilling to alienate their close friends by not giving the polite nod to m when his name comes up, but until we actually hear ourself renounce an old promise we made to ourself, we are still in a state of self betrayal and denial..and internally divided.
......We are left with the faint ringing in our ears of our old satsang voice: ringing, certain, and asserting what turned out be untruths. Those who dare: before friends and those they love, and fear to lose; to declare the truth as they now see it, (truth in the sense of recognising the disappointment they really feel re. m and k and the mistake they now know they made)
.......These are truly brave, whether they like it or not their social life changes, friends stop calling, marriages break up... but inside, some principle or idea of a higher truth, some deeper respect for accuracy or fair play causes them to say it how they see it.
.......Should we quake in fear because some people have a little power to rewrite history? Should we be denied what for some of us is the only way to get over it, our only way to break the solitude and the silence we have been left with.
.....Even then its not ideal; we are old friends and yet we hardly know each other, in anonymity; but we recognise the common voice, the common pain, and yes, my friend, the common nobleness of spirit, and high flown dreams.
.....Many, many of us gave our best years for a purpose that turned out to have no substance. It took years to admit, even to ourselves that what we were experiencing wasn't bliss at all, we were afraid to tell our premie friends or our ashram "brothers and sisters".
...... We blamed ourselves.. and went into retreat, preferring our little small 't' truth to none at all.
Modified by LP at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 17:19:50
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... there was some superb writing in there: >When you woke up with lotus eaters, herded by liars and thieves, you did not give up. You looked inside and once again gave up everything for your truth, this time with a small “t”. You again left all friends, those who had become you family, all support and struck out into a terrifying world. Your continuing courage and perseverance are astounding. You deserve nothing but applause and acceptance. You used the tools of time, denial, achievement and energy to put your pain behind you, burying it ever deeper. You continuously fought for a life that you could call your own, everyday gaining more understanding, all the while continue to question, to dream, to ask if there is not something greater. [here written in Verdana 3pt. Normal  ]
Modified by Nigel at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 14:26:20
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I was about halfway through when realised you were addressing your younger self. I think Stephen is indirectly addressing all our younger selves - that's what made his post so powerful for me. Even got a little misty eyed reading it.
Modified by Steve at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 15:45:44
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Hi Steve, I don't think anyone would ever have the wherewithal to address any newbie cult member in such authoritative tones, if you hadn't been there yourself. And then, when you do, you'll inevitably draw on the things that drew you in, then kept you hooked... Yes, Stephen is probably addressing all our younger selves, whether deliberately or not. I actually love the idea of all forum members writing posts to their former selves of ten, twenty, thirty, even forty years ago - giving a bit of post-hoc advice. [slightly ot: Daniella - see recent Wiki-related threads or the Wiki talk page - might then glean some evidence from first-hand cultists for her 'notable' sociology thesis, which we are all awaiting with bated breath; not to mention baited hooks and lines]
Modified by Nigel at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 17:52:31
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Thank you, Stephen. I had a conversation with my mother while watching Portsmouth vs. Arsenal last night. She remarked that she had been to Portsmouth, and asked if I had. I said, yes, I had. So she asked me what I was doing there, and I answered that I was telling people about Guru Maharaj Ji (this was 1974 and I was in Brighton ashram at the time). She gave her usual scornful look, so I said that I believed I was doing good at the time, which was true. John.
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Thank you for that wonderful letter to your younger self. It struck a loud chord in me. The title of your post "Integration at last" means more than you could know. Thanks and welcome
Modified by Cynthia at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 16:56:35
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The word "integration" struck a note in me, too, but it was a high-c  I saw it and immediately thought of taking images of stellar objects (we call that "integration." ) Ahhh, the foibles of language But again, as I said above..... OUTSTANDING post!
Modified by NAR at Thu, Apr 13, 2006, 18:26:57
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Thanks for all your kindness. I certainly appreiciate those of you who keep this fire burning for those of us who are wandering. Just for further backround: knowledge-age 16, ashram in Denver- age 17, left ashram after Houston- age 18, left rest of friends in DLM-age 19, Personality split-Age 20 (personality split healed today-age 50) I had no idea, it's been an intense 24 hours since I logged on yesterday. Who knew? I had certainly forgotten, again many thanks. I will continue to follow with interest.
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HI Stephen. Thank you for your beautiful post. It was plainly heartfelt. I was 16 when I received knowledge too - in 1972. From your post above, it sounds like we got involved at the same time. I was lucky to get out when I was 20. I hope you will take the time to read the Journeys section on ex-premi.org. I think you will find many similarities between your own journey and that others of us have taken too. I'll look forward to reading more of your posts. Marianne
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Thanks Stephen, I am glad you made it home..:>
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Really! ..thankyou ..welcome aboard..
nice to know this forum is helping...
notable contribution!
Modified by LP at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 03:34:25
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You make me want to try this for myself--writing to a younger self. There's something very redemptive about the way you do this. I could try this for so many different parts of my life, the cult years being merely one phase. My journey is posted on epo if you care to see that part--but there's so much more! You are right about that. We are way far more than labels like "premie", "ex-premie", "American", "female" or whatever. Labels thingify people, don't they? Thanks, Steve! ~Shelagh
Modified by shelagh at Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 12:41:28
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