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I have been taking some time to consider my posts and your responses of last week. I find that the only way I can make sense out of my own thoughts is to separate my reactions into two categories, medium and message (content vs. process). This first part is organizing my thoughts on the Forum as an internet/computer based method of communication, the medium (process). The second thing I want to deal with is the content of what I was doing. So, here are the following are things I have learned: - By its very nature this is a logically based method of communication, reason and logic are king. There is almost no way to communicate experiences (difficult at best) that are non-rational and non-linear. For instance we will never experience in this forum the shared emotion that LP and I touched on as part of Satsang, where visual feedback between speaker and listener are a huge part of the message.
- Little or no emotion can be part of the message. I have nodded my head for years when people have said that 90% of communication is non-verbal. I finally understand what they are saying.
- Power here is automatically bestowed here on those who have trained themselves in the art of communicating logically and in writing. I am intimidated by those who post here that are obviously more in control of the written word to communicate their point of view. I have heavily relied on emotion, and a certain amount of charisma to communicate in my professional and personal life, I am a fish out of water here. Kudos to those of you who have spent the time and energy to hone your skills, I have respect for your work, maybe some will rub off.
- I have been assuming a common experience on which to base my communication. I did not know any of you in DLM. I cannot assume that your experiences were in any way the same as mine. I have to ask. This is my mistake, without the non-verbal clues and feedback, I have even less of an idea what your experiences may have been. This is further complicated by the fact that we have many who are of different cultures. In addition, we have all moved onto different experiences and have reinterpreted our memories in light of those experiences.
- Although logically I understand that you are all real people, I find at a very deep level I do not think you are really there. You are a blue topics and black squiggles on paper, and I get at a gut level I have not treated you all as people, but part of a computer role playing game, sorry. I was offered a phone call when I first logged into EPO that I declined, I now think that was a mistake. With your permission and kindness, I will ask a few folks for phone numbers and establish a different kind of relationship that will allow me to get over my block.
- I cannot post and respond to many topics at once. These threads move very quickly and if I weigh in on too many I get lost and am unable to respond properly as there does seem to be an unspoken ethic to answer questions and engage.
- Anonymity gives me both permission and protection to say things I would never say to you in the same room. What are we going to do, come through the computer? I see these both as a good thing and bad, I feel freer to express what I am really thinking, you may not like it and I have to deal with the consequence. I would never behave in person as I have done here.
Now to content, when I first posted here I opened a can of worms in my head. Some of you may remember the letter I wrote to myself at a younger age. I thought that a little processing would make it all go away, and I made some progress. I made a mistake; however, I cut off a buried a part of myself from those days. When I accused the Forum of being manipulated and controlled, I was not fully conscious of my motivations, some of it was in reaction to misunderstanding the nature of this kind of communication. I understand that much of what I was reacting to is in the limitations of the forum and not the people involved. If only it were that simple. I now also find that I am, illogically, apologies in advance, (do not take this personally, anyone, or let it land on you in any way), REALLY PISSED OFF AT ALL OF YOU! (That’s the 16 year old in me). I WAS 16 YEARS OLD FOR F**K SAKE. (I know it wasn’t specifically the people here in this forum, and of all those misson assholes, you here are the ones that should most be forgiven, but I got nobody else to yell at, maybe in the future I can be the one yelled at and help you). When I posted to the Forum last week I threw a hand grenade into the room. My sincere apologies, I was being irresponsible with my own feelings and understanding my motivations. I recognize what I did, I have teenagers of my own now. John and Mike, I am sorry, you guys are kind and generous, in fact, a certain amount wise to let folks come and go, process what they need, and maintain a container that meets their needs. I will “grow up”. Stephen
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