I need to scoop up this post by Will and Mike as well as Will's post below (and others in that thread.)

Now, in some ways I'm kidding about this, but I think that there is truth that there are two types of ex-premies.

I think that there's the first kind of ex-premie and they are the ones who left Maharaji prior to, say, 1985.  And I suspect that a majority of the early ex-premies probably left prior to 1980 or there abouts or maybe after the ashrams closed for the second and final time.

The recent ex-premies are those who left after 1985.  But, no, I really think that the recent ex-premies I'm talking about are the ex-premies who left Maharaji since 1995.  And in that group some left because of the information about Maharaji that is available on the Internet.

I think that the recent ex-premies went the distance with Maharaji and saw the many changes since the early days.  We lived through the dismantling of the organizations, the periods where there was practically no satsang at all, the periods where there was satsang only by the local Instructor candidate and the rare and ocassional visit by a dignitary.  We lived through the local community video halls and the momentary revial of interest and energy.  We lived through Amaroo.

And I think we absorbed the big change away from the old style of Guru worship where Maharaji became more human and was more accessible.

Heck, I remember I was in Trancas Market buying beer one afternoon and there's Maharaji in the produce section buying vegetables for the stir-fry he was going to make for his family that night.  He was squeezing the tomatoes and checking the expiration date on the tofu and complaining to the manager that the okra was spoiled.  Who would have thought?  And in the old days I would have been on the floor in full pranam until Maharaji stood in line at the checkout and paid for his stuff and left, but no!  No, I said to myself, 'Just be cool.  Be cool, be cool now.  Be cool.'  Ok, I'm just kidding about this, but when I lived in Malibu I certainly fantisized about this practically every day.

Seriously, a lot has changed in the dismal World of Knowledge.  And I think a lot of things have changed for the worst because they have changed to make Maharaji more palatable to the general public while deep down it still is a toe-kissing cult.  And that's a lie that premies have to accept, absorb, and keep silent about even though they know in their hearts of hearts that Maharaji is no ordinary human being (read Divine.)

In a thread below quirky is complimented on a post that seemed so polite.  And quirky replied back that the detailed consideration in the post was the result of quirky's own analysis to deconstruct what it all meant internally to quirky.  And quirky's posts really resonate with me because while I left Maharaji back in early 1998 it still is very close and deeply ingrained.  I mean, I'm talking about 25 years of internalizing a relationship with my imaginary friend, Maharaji.  I just don't think that the old timer ex-premies who left in the 70's or early 80's after the hoopla wore out and the frontal assault ended can know exactly how twisted up us long term premies got!!!  Of course I'm being a little over the top with that statement, but I think there's a grain of truth in that.  I think that all of us experienced a lot of brainwashing in the early days of the 70's, but that brainwashing was large and gross in comparison with the more subtle brainwashing that continued on after that period.

I've been asked, not so much anymore, by ex-premies if I could ever consider going back to Maharaji.  And sometimes I tell them that I don't know.  I took and accepted a lot of Maharaji's brainwashing that he was God and if I ever left I'd be like a mirror shattered into a 1000 or is it a million pieces.  Or the rotten vegetable satsang. Basically, he's told us we'd be going to Hell if we'd ever leave him.  And to this day I have nightmares where I find I'm at a program and someone recognizes me and the chase is on.

But, I do have to say that I can't read the satsang from the premie(s) that post here.  It just stalls my mind completely.  Yet I do understand how one can believe it.  I think human beings are suckers for a little bit of truth or platitudes, faith and hope to get them through a life that can, at times, be difficult.  Except for my life which is perfect, of course.

Finally, I have to believe that 25 years of wanting to believe and twisting one's self up like a pretzel all the time to make that belief work (or not to reject such an absurd contradiction as Maharaji) is going to have long term effects.  And let's not forget about all the lost time and opportunities and lost friends and family and everything else that we gave up to be a devotee of the Living Perfect Master.  Yuck!