I found that the one thing that brought the most fulfillment and integration to my life was being honest with myself. 

And the surprising thing was that when I was honest with myself, I left being a follower of Maharaji, and my life became a lot more integrated and a lot happier, and a lot freer as well. 

And when I looked back on it, being a premie was the opposite of integration because the basic ideology is that you aren't integrated.  There is you, there is knowledge, there is Rawat,there is your mind, and there is the world, and some of it is real, and some of it is an illusion. 

That dualistic bullshit is just that.  The biggest surprise to me was that I was much happier not practicing knowledge and not following Rawat and that he wasn't in any way the source of the love and fulfillment I felt in my life. 

And you're right.  I think joy comes from living your life and trying to be authentic about it.  Then the joy comes from so many places, and the good stuff isn't reserved for when you are "doing service around Maharaji."