I was trying to go to sleep tonight and just had a realization about how I was programmed for almost 30 years to believe that I couldn't depend on anyone but M. All those satasangs about how your mother will leave you, your dog will leave you, your house will burn down, your husband will leave, but M and K will always be there. The gist was to put everything into him instead of "the world" because all of that is impermanent.

Now that I am attracting, and in relationship with, normal people, who really see me, who are interested in me as a person, who want to be friends, associates, bandmates, etc., it came to me tonight that I had previously had a lack of trust in those kinds of relationships because of the programming of listening to M and his instructors and premies parroting those 'concepts' for so long. Something in me did not quite believe that anyone would stick around, or that any of it was 'real.'

I still like the word and label: 'concepts.' But I use it to describe my life and thoughts with K and M. He gave us mega amounts of concepts that keep peeling off in layers. It is very liberating each time I recognize I am no longer bound by one and because of that am very alive, vibrant and happy. My friendships and relationships are so fulfilling now.

So anyway, I had to get up and post this while it was 'hot.' Now I can go to sleep...

goodnight!