Pathetic though it probably appears, this is my attempt to do that.

Yep, it definitely does appear pathetic.

I have often deplored the media’s tendency to exploit the private lives of public figures, yet I walked straight into the trap of doing so myself. I’m appalled at how I managed to separate myself from my own principles so easily, because it suited me. There’s always a ‘noble’ rationale or excuse for such journalism, but it usually doesn’t stand up - and certainly not in this case. If there’s anything further I can do to publicly correct the record (such as a letter to the newspaper concerned), I will.

No one’s private life ….whether they be a private or public person should be exploited just for the sake of it. Most people would probably agree with that. However, what you seem to be suggesting is that no public persons ( or private persons, even) private life should be open to scrutiny, questioning or criticism even if there appears to be a discrepancy between values, judgements and teachings made publicly and the private “ goings-on “ that contradict the public image. We might as well as lift up “ hypocrisy” ( for example) upon a pedestal and proclaim it as a fine, human quality. Be done with investigative journalism in all fields. Not just in matters pertaining to personality cults but everything else as well. If a journalist exposes hypocrisy, say, then let’s blame the journalist for discovering it. Every public figure has a right to be a hypocrite, yes? No one has a right to point out the hypocrisy, yes?

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned there’s more than enough in Prem Rawats public life to point out and comment upon, let alone his private life.

As numerous people know, the last year has left me very depressed, and I have spent a little too much time contemplating suicide (the ‘long-term solution to a short-term problem’ as one of my clinicians wisely described it). I’m not revealing this to attract sympathy - I doubt if I’ll get any - but to explain the process which has led to my seachange in attitude. Basically, only now that my own pain and distress have reached unbearable levels can I appreciate the pain I have caused others. That’s sad, even pathetic. This post is part of my effort to climb out of that abyss.

Well, you get some sympathy from me. Sincerely. Even so, I’ll continue to respond to and criticise some of your post.

Premies just want to be left alone to do their thing, and this is a right I will (belatedly but respectfully) accord them. I used to feel that my writing public words about Maharaji was something premies could ignore, and so should not complain about. That was wrong too. Words have power, change perceptions, alter social climates - and wound. Certain words need to be spoken (of course), but, as my first year in the East has taught me, there is another very important category of words: those which are best left unsaid. There’s something dignified about silence and discretion. I was anything but silent or discreet.

Oh codswollop !! Poor Premies…I’m sure my sitting here writing this is going to prevent premies from going to the next Sat TV show or the latest event with Prem Rawat or sitting down and sticking their fingers in their ears or whatever. Of course they have a right to “ do their thing” as I have a right to do mine ,providing it’s legal and honest. They have as much right to praise Rawat, and his work, to the rafters ….(and they exercise that right privately and publicly)…..as I have the right to criticise him and his work. Or don’t you think it works like that? Maybe I shouldn’t have rights, eh?

So I deeply regret becoming involved in publicly criticising Maharaji, mainly for the needless pain it has caused him and his followers, but also because it was an attempt to flee responsibility for life choices which were one hundred percent my own.

That’s up to you. Personally, I don’t deeply regret publicly criticising him at all and it certainly is NOT as simplistic as “ fleeing responsibility for life choices”. It’s as if you’re saying, for instance, that the “responsibility” Prem Rawat had in touting himself as the Lord ….backed up by orgs, Mahatmas etc….then denying it all ever happened by blaming his followers for “ Indian-ising” everything isn’t “ fleeing responsibility for life choices” on his part. Let me tell you something, it is and it’s on a far greater scale than foot soldiers of the cult such as you and I have ever done.

I used to be a premie and now I see the whole caboodle as a personality cult. Often, even as a premie, I saw it as that but you know how it is. Conditioned so much to look upon doubt as something unhealthy, conditioned to consider my “ mind” as some sinister “ not really me” entity by hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of “ speeches”from the Master, peer influence……all sorts of stuff converts the simplistic “ fleeing responsibility for life choices” view into something far more complex. Of course, every aspect of my life has some degree of my own personal responsibility involved in it. To then think that because I made bad/wrong life choices therefore I have no reason or right to comment upon my life and criticise other people who played a large part in encouraging that choice is just poppycock. Take one example of many that I could use. I have privately and publicly apologised to people for all the bullshit propaganda “satsang” I gave to people ( friends, relatives, strangers) on behalf of , and with the definite encouragement from, Prem Rawat. That is NOT fleeing from a life choice, it’s facing up to it. When has Prem Rawat ever apologised for his over-the-top bullshit?

Take a very extreme example. I’m only using it because it is extreme and thus maybe it helps to clarify things, not because it has direct bearing on Prem Rawat and his personality cult business in many respects but in some respects it does. Say I’m an ardent patriot in the 1930’s. My country has been shamed and ridiculed for close to twenty years. Some political party emerges that puts my country first and promises to deliver work, infrastructure, international respect…the works.I go to the meetings. It’s a thrilling experience. There’s one very strong leader, plenty of strong sub-leaders and a whole lot of peer pressure/influence/encouragement ( call it what you like), to boot. The more I get involved in the party the deeper the frenzy, the greater the propaganda.Of course, in this bubbling pot of mass hysteria little old “me” is free to make a life choice. That’s undeniable. However, it’s also the case that a whole combination of forces will inevitably sweep me along with them in something that is so intensely passionate. Agreed? Now every Nazi party member made a “life choice” to join the noble crusade to make Germany great again but are you saying Hitler, Goebbels etc played no part in influencing those “ life choices”? Of course they did!! They were the ones who created and propagated this noble “ Nazi world” and they can’t rationally or fairly be considered separate from or irrelevant to the life choice that, yes, I made.

Ok, Hitler and the Nazi’s in many respects are an extreme example. However, personality cultism is the common factor when considering Prem Rawat and the choice I made to become his follower. The same principle applies. There is my life choice and there is the “ world” I choose to enter and be swept along with but it’s not as simplistic as you seem to suggest. Also, as I’ve already pointed out, Prem Rawat’s version of “ fleeing responsibility for life choices” is on a grand scale. Is there anything grander than proclaiming avatar hood to the world? And then blaming your followers for misconceptions? Gimme a break.

There’s something strange and unbalanced about publicly and endlessly raking over the coals of your youth in middle age.

Possibly, just possibly. But only if that’s all we ever did and had no other life to speak of. However, that’s not the case for the vast majority of exes, I’d wager. I’d also wager that anyone who’d been immersed in a really intense personality cult would reflect upon it, comment upon it. Some privately, some publicly. A private in the Nazi Army during the War would probably “ rake over” his involvement with Nazi’s if he were alive today. So, too, would ex Rajneeshi’s, Moonies, Sai Babaists etc etc . It would be perfectly natural, honest and common-sensical to do so. Not insanely or obsessively but honestly and carefully. Otherwise we all would be, truly, fleeing responsibility.The point is, that "responsibility" is shared. Master-Devotee. Remember?

. I was stupid - it is stupid - to insult people’s cherished ideals, or to show disrespect to the person whom premies respect more than anyone.

I have a cherished ideal. A world where the propaganda and power of personality cultism and religion isn’t protected from honest scrutiny and valid criticism. Prem Rawat and premies, when referring to me as an ex-premie and publicly criticising me for being so, have, IMO, insulted and disrespected me. Hmmm, I wonder what I should do about it? Ah, I know, I’ll apologise to them and then keep my mouth shut forever. That sounds fair, doesn’t it?

John, you’ve obviously been through a shit time and, I repeat, I sympathise and wish you the best for the rest of your life. Having said that, I find the grovelling, submissive nature of your post….. Well, yes, pathetic.It’s like a verbal pranam but instead of rising to kiss a foot it sounds like you’d like to lick his ass instead.

Of course you’re free to say or do whatever you wish to and Premies are free to say, do, worship, kiss feet or whatever. I wonder. Do you think, and do premies think, that I should have the full freedom and the full right to express myself as an ex-premie? Or, even as an ex, should I heed what Prem Rawat says and just “ walk” with my mouth firmly shut?

Finally, did you have to call Prem Rawat…Maharaji? He’s Prem Rawat. Maharaji, as we know, means “ Great King”. Great King, my ass. : )