The first time I saw Prem from a closer distance was in 1973 - Guru Puja in England, satsang programmes in Alexandra Hall and Darshan somewhere outside the city in a green meadow (with me dripping eyes and nose because of a terrible hayfever).   ...

THIS darshan was such a disappointment, probably THE most disappointing event in my young life .... HE sat there on whatever "throne" they had built for him and was more distant than when he spoke from his throne in the evening, when we were far, far away in the Hall. He sat there in a way which came over to me as most arrogant and smug. He avoided to look anyone in the eyes or even "see" them. 

This was the moment when I should have run! But didn't. Instead, I tried to be "better", a better premie?, a better mother?, a better "human" generally? I don't know. Guess, I just wanted to understand the chasm of what, so far, I had heard and read of him to what I saw and felt in that one short moment of utter disappointment. 

But this first "non-encounter" was kind of defining my "non-relation" to him for the years to come. And so it was not too difficult for me to move on when my time had come.

PS: In spite of this disappointing experience with the Guru - I quite liked the premieworld.