When "non-physical suicide" came to mind, it was clearly based on self-abandonment, which I practically did overnight.  But then I almost posted that it wasn't quite the same because as you said ( "knowledge of all knowledges" ), we were lured away from ourselves by the ultimate carrot and not a desire to die. 

But die I did, and if remnants of my former self tried to survive, I tried to stomp them out.  One small example was my willingness to sleep on a sleeping bag for a mattress on a hardwood floor with five other guys doing the same thing in one room.  "So this is my new life!"  Really the true meaning of the sadistic camel dung ladu joke:

"...feels (tastes) like shit but I'm going to do it (eat them) anyway because it's the ultimate knowledge/realization (they're the best ladus in the world!)."  Rawat must have had a good laugh watching us eat his crap, which goes back to the "contempt" comments below

Anyway... catching up to myself is what I try to do most every day... the best way to feel after throwing away so much.  I've more or less forgiven myself because I can't imagine that I would have done anything differently given the same time and circumstances. 

Seeing you here along with Lesley, 13 and everyone else always makes me smile!  Thankfully I got to "meet" you when I watched the television interview about cults that you bravely volunteered for.