And at the risk of repeating myself, what a fucking jerk!  "Die and see"... Ok, you first and I'll see ya there...maybe...

I think it's pretty clear that the sentiment of thinking of him in your dying breath, is the part my dad clung to...he was dark and ready to go anyway, but I'm sure that belief made pulling the trigger easier.  

I guess I get jealous...that the gurus painful bullshit, the steep price you all paid for love...that you never got...was more appealing to my dad's sickness than the overflowing love from me, the free stuff, and guru kept him blind to it.  I know it's not rational, but it still exists.

Thank you for helping me deal with it, love, G