" I actually relished my time in the Ashram with the vast majority of the experiences I had and the friends I made,"
It really is a mystery to me Roark how you relished something which, for me ,was a kind of creepy experience of voluntarily rejecting my own identity. Yes, I had been persuaded/manipulated into throwing myself on the scrap heap. I gave everything up and I didn't matter any more. I lived in first an unofficial and then an official ashram. It really was devastating for me. There were some positive by-products.....I stopped going down a drugs route; but what I really needed was care and counselling for lost teenagers.....I didn't need to join a cult that stole my soul.To this day, I really resent the way that I veered right off my natural path because of a false promise and fear.
Recently I went to the first programme I have attended since 2002 . He came to my home town and an old premie friend rang me and gave me a spare ticket ( cost £25 btw .....I gave her half back). It is all much the same as ever it was but with everybody holding back on over-exuberance ( clearly under instruction). Such a long time since I had seen this dapper little man. The speech was the usual boring stuff spoken with quite a kind and sweet tone. However , here and there, as always , there were cutting remarks which undermined our confidence in our everyday lives....kind of ridiculing us, telling us that basically we were all miserable,depressed,unhappy creatures who hated getting up in the morning,and hated our jobs etc, with absolute certainty! Once we were thus defined by the Lord we were threatened with either following his advice ( agya/orders ) to climb out of this apparent abyss or falling further into this hum-drum purposeless pit. I am not quoting him, because the text is infinitely forgettable, but just giving the gist ( with which most of you are familiar) , in my own words. He boasted quite a lot about his "achievements"and awards around the world and the premies sucked it up. There were pre-chosen questions, which mostly were not really answered but used as launching pads for what Prem wanted to talk about.
By the end, you knew you were a worthless ant in this vast universe and that everything you did was useless.....unless .....
I felt all the old feelings of hopelessness creeping up on me........AAAAARGH ! and couldn't get away and back to normality fast enough ....phew !
One last thing...there was a kind of P.R. lady with Rawat who continually informed us of her name ( but I can't remember ). She was quite loud and sparky,wearing a bright orange dress, and did a good job of seeming to be relaxed. A bit like a T.V. presenter. She addressed the audience and Prem Rawat....a bit like Holly Willoughby ( British Breakfast TV presenter)...all very friendly.
I realised how out of touch I was when I heard the pronunciation of Rawat's name.....with the stress on the FIRST syllable: RAwat.....Prem RAwat.
