I understand your fears and please understand there is no need to put yourself at any discomfort in this process. The unravelling of the trauma that we have all been through is a weird and interesting journey. At least it lets you figure out with increasing clarity what you do want.
For myself I became used to an element of uncertainty, instability, the 'norm' of confusion and general drama that happens when involved spiritually and emotionally around an abusive narc. Since exiting I see quite easily that it's totally unnecessary and not my chosen wavelength. I actually get to choose. What joy. ha! he spoke about joy so much. There was always a part of me going 'what joy are we talking about?'
I spoke to a friend the other night, she said she lights a candle in the morning and says to the mirror with her hand on her heart, I honour myself. It touched me, she is such an amazing woman and she said well, this is what I do to keep me strong. Every beautiful small thing we do to be more in tune with who we really are is a lovely expression of the freedom we have,
we have made the uncommon victory of escape, not many people get to say they left a cult behind. We have to remember to pat ourselves on the back, and each other and say, yeah, we made it.
The possibilities are endless, the leash is off. The future is bigger than the past ever could be. I honour and celebrate all of us here, this exiting thing is a testimony to our inner strength and fortitude.
I remember once when I was experiencing my first real doubts, I was crying, wondering out loud, if I didn't have him I didn't have anything. I believed that at the time. Harrowing.How had he managed to superimpose himself in order of importance above my own inner being? Insidious.
The future is so free and so much bigger and better than anything he has ever offered me. It is inclusive and integrative of me as my whole self, no more compartmentalising my life into seperate segments and personas for those in the know and those who dont talk about that stuff. Concepts! oh my, I can't believe how many concepts I have happily dropped in the bin since leaving. Everything he said! it's laughable now, so inside out and back to front. I laugh! it makes me feel better. And I can choose! Like my friend with the candle. Whatever I do, laugh or cry, I feel better than being stuck in that rut, even on a bad day
