Re: Way out there.
Re: Way out there. -- jasper Top of thread Post Reply Forum
Posted by:
SuzyQ ®

05/23/2017, 06:32:24
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Thanks Jasper, I am really moved by your post, I had to come back to it to read it again.
He spoke in half truths, it was so convoluted, yet clothed in 'simple'. I felt at times hypnotised, willingly so, into a delusion as you say.
He left no doubt in my mind as to where my loyalty should be. His many so called satsangs were riddled with it. 
He seemed to have a lot of power at the time. But as the illusion started to fade and I began to wake up to the facts I saw he is a prime manipulator, playing on all of our best intentions. 
The power in him seemed to dwindle, he looked irrelevant somehow, irrelevant to now and the changes I had started to embrace.

 I realised his power came from me, came from all of those who's illusory pleasure it was to adore him. Without us, without you, without me - what, who is he?
 
I think it is a very human thing to want to worship, to experience awe and beauty within, to feel humble at least and true to yourself.
That last bit was missing when i was practising knowledge. I was conflicted and not true to myself half the time. Not only that, I would beat myself up about it. The conflict was mine, then I started taking responsibility for conflicts that had stuff all to do with me. 

Without him in my life I am much more straightforward with myself. I'm still cleaning up the mess of my life, the crumbled ruins of the tower that had to fall so I could at least be honest with myself and not hide behind my illusory defences all the time. Turns out I can be quite sharp, but I knew that already and it was something I subjugated in order to fit in with premiedom as befits the general stance of someone who has a long distance obsession with a narc running as background white noise.
Was I brainwashed? I guess so. Was it my fault? No it was by design, his design. 
He reeled me in with half truths, some borrowed wisdom from Kabir probably- once hypnotised, he planted the seed of the untruth.
I was young, suffering loss, no sense of belonging, I was vulnerable. 
At first the techniques helped with pain relief and all sorts but that quickly faded once the brainwash stuff took over. It seemed that the more i wanted to be involved the more conflicted I would become, life went round in circles, pretty chaotic circles for years and years. 
Like I said, I'm still clearing up the aftermath and realising I don't need that chaos in my life. It's been like a habitual overhang from so much mindfuck and now it's time to take the reins and get my life back in order.
Feels like I'm rambling which means I will soon start apologising for myself. Another habit. Thanks again for your recent input to the threads
  






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