"its funny that underlying it all - was to figure out how i could be physically close to m. i mean that was ultimately my goal - because that meant you were somehow special and going to be with m forever."
So true..... when I was alone in the car with Rawat I truly believed I was the most fortunate person in the whole wide world. I was absolutely 100% convinced that he was God in the flesh and by some miracle I was cosmically chosen to drive him around.
The responsibility I felt was overwhelming; what if there was an accident?, what if the car broke down?, was the cabin temperature OK?, the seat position?, the music playing on the car stereo?. That fear of disaster or failure was sort of moderated by my belief that if I surrendered myself completely, somehow Rawat in spirit form would be able to protect us from any harm or catastrophe.
To experience those conflicting emotions all the while trying to follow each breath perfectly; breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, steer the car, breathe out, worry about Rabat's comfort level, breathe in. What a conflicted mess. And this was supposed to be peace, bliss, and consciousness!
I was so far gone into that complete fantasy delusion that I know I would have laid down my life for him without any hesitation. That is just one example of how dangerous the cult really is.
Now that I realize Rawat is nothing but a con artist pedaling lies to innocent victims, its scary and embarrassing at the same time to admit how far from reality I had gone! Wow!!! Then, to occasionally have the Grace to be able to kiss his toenail fungus infested feet....... Yuk! What the hell was wrong with me?
Ten years later I'm still trying to process all this. Thanks for listening and wish the best for everyone.
