He would say, some people think it's selfish ... and launched into the brainwash, I never remember what his excuses were, maybe I was too hypnotised.

 Turns out some people were right. 

How could navel gazing ever lead to world peace? it wasn't like we were channeling divine compassion for humanity even,it was all about me, I was personally just trying to find some balance in a very unbalanced situation which was in large part caused by my participation in the BS anyway.

He had many discourses where he derided my attachment to family or friends or what I know as love, he diminished my self and my world so i could fit into the bubble he'd created for me. 

I imagined he cared for goodness sake. 

But he cared less than anyone i know. 

The list of mistakes and wrong turns taken in the name of him is long and painful. 

Now it's quite different, there is at least an ability to acknowledge that, instead of hiding under a blanket to make the world go away.

I didn't want to believe in evil, very naive of me. I wanted to hold onto that stunted part that didn't grow up for a very long time, but eventually the Truth had to come out and the healing began.

Beautiful process! I am glad i'm in that process and don't really mind if it takes forever because I make progress and I get to keep the jewels of wisdom i find along the way now, they're mine.

A darn site better than being in his process which was has no progress whatsoever and where everything, including my mind at the time, belongs to him. The one and only master of deceit.

Today I found lurking under papers on my cork board a piece of paper with a po box number for donations to his personal account. I toyed with the idea of sending a letter but ended up throwing the slip of paper with the address in the bin.

I remembered I read here that the letters aren't opened by him and whoever has the job is only interested in banking the cheques.

I'd like to send a cheque that entitles the bearer to a free pass to hell. 

Sometimes I think I might pity him. Because he is SO pathetic. 

I guess before I will forgive him, if that's what's needed to gain complete closure, I will need to forgive myself for falling for it and for continuing to drink the kool aid, believing I had found my spiritual master (shudder) against all the mounting evidence that I was in a big fat illusion.

Being here makes that easier, I am not the only one, plenty of wonderful people here, intelligent, insightful many of us too young at the time of introduction to notice what was being taken away.

I have much to be grateful for, every day, not least the friends who are still friends who met me when i was already in the cult and never joined, never judged me one way or the other, and managed to see Me under the disguise I believed in so hard. They're still my best people. I always wondered why the friends I felt closest to weren't involved, it should have been a red flag.

Unfortunately the closest premies to me, haven't spoken to me since I said I'm out. It's very threatening for them watching me drop away I guess.I hope at least that becomes a drip for them over time.