musings on thread posts so far
Re: A new voice on the Forum -- roark Top of thread Post Reply Forum
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roark ®

05/03/2017, 21:06:14
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I'm really appreciating all of the above posts, provocative, and with subtle undercurrents.

The thing
that is sticking in my mind about this thread relates to how we communicate our
feelings, our semantics.  I am going to
ramble.

It’s like
there are memories of past occurrences lodged somehow in the folds of our
brains, and many of these data points have emotional content attached, usually
consistent with what was experienced at the time of these memories.  So when dormant memories are recalled, the attendant
emotional content arises with them.  If
our thoughts do not bring up the data, typically the associated feelings are
dormant.  But in some cases, rather than
responding naturally and fully to events as they arise, deeply rooted emotions can
take on a life of their own, driving our attitude and thus our behavior without
any precise related reference data points, and the clear recognition of how
this driving force came into the forefront.

However, “processing”
memories can mitigate the attendant emotions, both positively (evoking less
suffering and the need to create the same in others) and perhaps negatively (amplifying discomfort and the tendency to spread it around).   For example, I no longer get quite so worked
up when I think about how Fred Troop ripped off my love beads in high school!  But obsessing about an event might amplify a reaction out of proportion.

But I guess it
rubbed a few of us the wrong way to read my friend’s comments, especially:

I was the vehicle for
him to create much suffering in people’s lives.
  So, maybe I never have processed it all.
 I do know that it just about never comes up in my thoughts, and as far
as I can tell, in my feelings.”

On one hand
he directly implicates himself in creating suffering, then says it does not
come up in his thoughts and feelings.  However,
prior in those comments, he talks about the lengthy process of trying to
disengage and sort out what happened (obviously spawned by some remorse), mentioned
that he is not sure what lurks, and takes responsibility to the extent he can
(thereby diffusing his ‘victimization’ at the hands of GMJ).  Seems pretty reasonable to me.

So I sat down
this morning as I do (on my cushion in my ‘time out’ corner), and ended up
musing on things like the difference between memory data and feelings?  Whether one can truly learn to avoid a
mistake without a reoccurring emotional reminder (like righteous anger)?  Why some memories that used to cultivate a stronger
emotional response in me no longer evoke much of a response at all?  Etc.

I scanned my memories
of when I was in the ashram for several minutes, and the most evocative memory that
arose was of sadness and regret regarding my beloved dog, Leroy, and how we did
not get to spend his last years together (having been resettled with my parents
on the farm so I could be in the ashram). 
I recalled a few people that I could have been more caring of, especially
my family, more sadness and regret.  There
was some mild embarrassed dissatisfaction of myself for my own naiveté (but the
bar is not set so high for the Roark knucklehead), but I could not seem to get in
touch with much anger on my own behalf when I thought of GMG and what had happened.  But it's not like I would touch the whole
thing with a fork now, so lesson learned.

Of course I can
feel heartsick about those that suffered and continue to suffer in the context
of him and the ensuing culture, in the same way I do when I read the NY Times every
morning.

Likely my own
lack of regret in how I look at that period of my life is impacted by how I
feel about my son, and how he would not exist in the splendid form he does had
I not been in the situation I was, met his mother under the circumstances I
did, and so forth.  In fact, that one lucky
outcome that the entire universe conspired to create might single-handedly have
been able to take the wind out of any deep-seated anger and resentment I could
feel.  But it is more than that simple,
and I also try to take responsibility for my shit.

So would I be
giving GMJ a pass by not being able to connect with real feelings of anger and
resentment?  Have I ‘forgiven’ him simply
by not being angry nor resentful when I think of him?  I mean, GMJ is a massive dickhead, and he is
still masquerading as something he is not, fucking up lives and misleading.  So the word forgiveness does not seem to ring true
regarding how I feel about him, given especially that he is still on the loose.
 I conceptually dig that premieland is a
screwed up situation, but those feelings of outright anger towards him don’t seem
to come up in everyday life, and happily nor does it seem to drive how I behave.  If I did happen to run into him and had the
opportunity to express myself, I’ll bet significant anger would complement what
I had to say in that moment. 

But I was more
thinking about self-forgiveness in what I wrote, self-acceptance if you will.  And how if we can be affectionate towards
these creatures we call ‘ourselves’, somehow accepting and even embracing our
present life without regret, that it is so much easier to be patient with
others.  And how it is easier to embrace everything
that happened in the past to allow us to be where we are.

I think the
capacity for sadness will always be there, as sadness is tied to love and the
poignancy of life.  Anger and resentment,
maybe not so much.

Hmmm, I may
have gone off the reservation……

M






Modified by roark at Wed, May 03, 2017, 21:28:52

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