A new voice on the Forum
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Posted by:
roark ®

05/01/2017, 09:41:44
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Hello All,

I’m in touch with many of us that
left GMJ, most of them leaving a long time ago.  I was recently corresponding
with one such dear, old friend and we were discussing the Forum and why I
participate.  He wrote the following that I enjoyed and thought might be
of interest to others.  And so I asked
and he granted me permission to post the following (pending edits to make it
a bit more anonymous):


When I received your message, I
pondered how I had processed my transition.  In retrospect, there were a
few important avenues that allowed me to move on - and I do feel comfortable in
myself that I have moved on, but who knows what lurks in the dark caverns?
(“Only the shadow knows,” if that old radio program, from way, way before your
time prompts any memories.) 

Truth is, I went through the process
very intimately and openly and for a considerable time (years really) with a
number of old ashram buddies with whom I am still close, allowing, even
encouraging me to explore and express the depths of it - from theological,
social and personal experiences and perspectives.  That’s a very smart
group of guys and for years it was a subject of our ongoing sharing.

Second, I wrote and journaled about
old memories and old feelings I had during the GMJ days, reflecting on what
they meant, how I responded and why, and how I feel now, both about my
thoughts, feelings and actions of the times, and what I learned from them and
the choice I make now to move through them and move on.

Thirdly, and perhaps most
importantly, I truly never felt much angst, anger or blame about my many years
in the ashram.  I always held a healthy dose of, if not doubt, a
connection to a lifetime of explorations, reading and experiences on my way
leading to and even during my GMJ days.  I don’t think I ever had one
ounce of blame aimed at him.  I knew that it was always my choice to
follow his path; and though while recognizing the incredible structured system –
not doubt developed not so much by him, but over millennia of teachers and
cultures, that corralled us down a chute, like cattle being led to slaughter –
I did recognize it for what it was.  Perhaps I had the benefit of being
slightly older than many coming at that time and the advantage of more
extensive philosophical and spiritual readings and experiences that my 25 years
prior to GMJ’s entrance in my life afforded me.

I also never completely let go of my
own control of my life.  While diving into much of his universe (as
evidenced party by my roles and actions), I always felt it was up to me to
bring the best of my being into the process.  So, for example, when
____________ and I shared a room in the ashram, we always had a
TV (considered a no-no for ashram residents) – not really to “escape"
into sports (although I still lament the deep hole in my knowledge of sports
history from the mid-70s - mid 80s) – but more because we believed that staying
connected to the world in that way only enhanced our ability to perform our
services.  My service brought me into regular contact with “normal” people;
I needed to speak their language and know the events and ideas that shaped them
at the time.  I have zero doubt that GMJ knew we were doing it and trusted
us to do what we thought best.  He had plenty of opportunities to interact
with us and to make his own judgment about whether our actions were
diminishing our experience or ability to be useful to him.

I believe that I made a conscious
choice, continuously, to follow him.  I was aware that it was always a choice
I made, but it was my choice to make.  I was fortunate to have numerous
experiences of how “monmuts (those who left knowledge)" were considered,
treated and even languaged.  I also had plenty of experiences of GMJ's
utter meanness and what was obviously his tenuous grasp on reality, which
became ever more tenuous over time as he wanted more of the material and other
trappings he warned about.  I was pimping for him when he was 13.
 I was buying him booze and dope even earlier.

His deep character flaws were
obvious to me, and I was never able to embrace the idea of dismissing them to
the grace and power of guru.  I never truly abandoned my values, and that
is what doomed me in his eyes.  

I really pissed him off on at least two occasions, and the
feeling became reciprocated. First, I went to him with stories of how the
children, the babies were being malnourished at the hotel that housed families
working on GMJ’s airplane renovation in Miami, and said that he MUST stop
progress on the airplane, balancing it with the human needs of his premies -
and of babies, babies! His reaction?… he barred me from his residence for
a month.     

In one of my roles, I had the
responsibility of dealing with everyone who showed up to see him from all over
the world, and admitted more than a few to mental hospitals. I approached
him with a written, well-explained, detailed and excellent idea that addressed
what I had learned from him about what he wanted done in regard to those often
bedraggled, suffering premies, but also allowed us to do our best to care for
them as they needed.  His response?…from that point on, he no longer
allowed me to see him and I no longer had an interest in doing so.  

I could not accept in my deepest being
that guru would abandon people to suffering, and rebelled at the notion that,
if that was happening, it was because he knew what was best.  I was
unwilling to give up the love and compassion I had felt from birth, and if that
was not okay with him - then fuck him.

I was well aware than I made a
choice - to remain with him, and so never truly harbored deep resentment from
that aspect, like I was tricked, trapped, or cajoled.  In many ways, I
benefitted greatly from my many years with him and in the ashram.  But I
was going to be god-dammed to give up myself, thinking my true existence lay
only in surrender to him.  Now, unquestionably, I did a hell of a lot of
surrendering.  And no doubt, to my retrospective chagrin, I was the
vehicle for him to create much suffering in people’s lives.

So, maybe I never have processed it
all.  I do know that it just about never comes up in my thoughts, and as
far as I can tell, in my feelings. 








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