10 years out.....
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jasper ®

04/16/2017, 10:01:31
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"I lament the loss of that feeling of connection a little, that feeling of certainty that I'm on the right path, doing the right thing etc. that I used to have when my 'faith' was intact......the decisions I've made in recent years have been vastly more informed and empowering than ever before....."    Newdawn

Hello everybody! Its been quite a while since I've posted, but I've kept an eye on the forum and finally feel the compelling urge to chime in. First, thank you Newdawn and all of you who post here, for your blatant honesty and realism. We have all been through a lot and it helps to talk about it.

Right in the prime of life, I really did turn the reigns of my life over to a con artist; completely. Along with that I was provided with a belief system that replaced any sense of good judgement or even rational thought. In hindsight, it really was an escape mechanism where I purposely and intentionally withdrew from society, fought hard to destroy my own instincts, and replaced the resulting void with the Rawat Doctrine. And the Rawat Doctrine was so complete and touched so many aspects of my identity, that it conveniently displaced the need to develop coping mechanisms. In some ways I'm embarrassed to even say that. But for a 34 year time span, from my early 20's to mid 50's, my goal was to self-destroy all semblance of who I was. 

I have had to accept that and take responsibility for it. The pain of acceptance has been unbearable at times. For several years I posted feverishly to help purge the residue, the sense of loss, and the guilt, about what I had done with my life. Through the kindness, compassion, and mutual understanding of this forum, I was able to create a new baseline of identity for myself. But the emotional pain of just that part of the process was excruciating at times. It took years for me to come to terms with what I had done.

Then, the rebuilding process began. This too has been painfully slow. At first I had to begin to trust my own mind. That hasn't been easy after decades of believing my own mind was my foremost enemy. But slowly I was able to start to think through things, examine information, and actually make intelligent, fact based decisions. The results of that have been fantastic! I discovered that I have an amazing ability to dissect problems strategically, weigh out solution based options, and make good choices. This has translated into success in business and a whole new way to create healthy relationships. With my intellect relatively in tact and as a natural mechanism of self defense, life has taken on an entirely new perspective, and it is good. In essence, I've had the chance to start over. 

I'm still very curious about God and Creation, and what it all means. But it seems that all of the answers to those kind of questions are just not available. We can guess, but does anyone really know? After years of seriously intent meditation followed by a decade of continuous self examination, it seems like there would at least be some clues. And there are. 

Here's what I know at this point; We are born, we live, and then we die. All of us share an incredible instinct to live and we are also instinctively curious. These instincts can translate in all kinds of ways, but we seem to have a choice about how we decide to interact with just about everything. For years, I used the Rawat Doctrine to make decisions. But since "exing" I've learned that the same rational mind that I tried so diligently to destroy, really can help make good decisions and assist in understanding at least part of the mysteries of life. We can choose to actively direct our awareness and influence the outcomes of much of our existence. What a gift that is.

Based on that limited understanding, I have purposely decided that the best way to manage these instincts is to embrace a sense of wonder and discovery about life and all that it has to offer. And then nourish those innate feelings of gratitude that we are even able to do that. Instead of denying my true identity and replacing it with something else, I'm learning to accept. That means first, accepting things the way they are, then trying to promote change for the better as appropriate, and last, honoring feelings of gratitude. 

This is about as far as I have been able to progress, but maybe that's good enough for now. I read my Journey again yesterday and it seemed like it was written by another person. I just felt terrible for the person who wrote that (me!). Fortunately I guess that means there is some separation from those very compromised years. I did learn some things from the Rawat years however, even though what I've learned is ironically just about the opposite from what we were taught. The foremost being to accept myself, embrace my mind and all my natural instincts, and try to make good decisions. These are not easy things to learn. I obviously had to learn them the hard way. Thanks to everyone for your unwavering support.

Modified by jasper at Sun, Apr 16, 2017, 11:21:06

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