Hi Newdawn, I think I waver in and out of existential angst often enough to appreciate your words. But just when I think I am destined for eternal funk, I am surprised by the simplest things.
In recent years I have taken to reading...alot. I only read non fiction and I love learning now. I also have taken up low-level art collecting and developing a keen eye . For years I have been a lover of music...all forms, and go out to see live shows often. My kids are both over 30 and still love me, as I do them. I am married to the same woman I met 35 years ago (at the Broad Ripple no less). And I have a totally new focus towards the spirit world that has nothing to do with gurus, swamis or religion.
These are bits and pieces of the returning me that I never would have thought valuable years ago as a premie. These things that I enjoy, now give me a wonderful sense of meaning and place in the universe.
I have no need for the fantasy world that premies seem to exist in day to day. And as for Rawat-World (phony theme-park in the sky) his entire epic charade (and our blistering entanglement) finally made perfect sense one day...when I allowed myself to say "He's a fraud and sociopathic manipulator of the highest order". Simple as that.
Having lunch once in a while with another ex is also helpful. We're much more likeable without all that old baggage. Fresh air and cows, English countryside ! Sounds wonderful.
Cheers, Mark B