I heard a quote on the radio the other day, 'I'd rather spend my whole life believing in god and when I die find out there isn't, than spend my whole life not believing and die to find out there is.' 

It sparked a realisation in me that for quite some time now I've been quite seriously pissed off with the universe, punctuated with earnest yet slightly lack-lustre attempts at rekindling our relationship (thats with me and the universe, old friends we were in the good old days of course.) Being the speck of dust I am floating around on a rock in space and all (!) I realised its predictably futile waving my fist at the stars and have got on quite well in life, moving through the 5 stages and beyond (I think,) since the horrid shock in 2012. I witness the power and comfort of 'belief' in other people and recognise it for what it is, sometimes almost a little envious of the blindness.  I am blessed to have much laughter and creativity in life but will admit there is a gaping gap where what I called the magic used to be. The detachment, 'floating,' the coping mechanisms I learned that gave me comfort have evaporated and whilst I don't wish to return to them (the price as we know is/was way too high) I lament the loss of that feeling of connection a little, that feeling of certainty that I'm on the right path, doing the right thing etc. that I used to have when my 'faith' was intact. I'm basically winging it and have been for some time. That said, the decisions I've made in recent years have been vastly more informed and empowering than ever before so I must be doing something right. 

Perhaps I'm just interested if anyone can offer insight as to how not to become a grumpy old cynic in matters of a spiritual nature? In the darker days, thankfully now few, I can imagine how easy it could be. 

I hope this doesn't sound too depressing(!) I'm actually doing pretty good (honestly!) Maybe I'm just observing the generic human condition after having spent all my adult life in a cult and just need to get used to it. Its a funny old place the world isn't it, without a comfort blanket.

I hope these ramblings make some sort of sense. I'm away to the english countryside for the weekend, maybe that'll sort me out, a bit of fresh air and cows.

Blessings!