But this channeling the guru experience we had was a font of bullshit mostly because what can you even say about someone you know precious little about in reality, and also the directive came down we were not to talk about our direct experiences with knowledge in case someone had a different experience. (drip)

No wonder he shut us up in the end.

Yes we were probably fulfilling the mission of the Creator instead of him and sending them away in droves!! Then the ashrams closed, the spontaneous satsangs finished , the heirarchy got shifty, "need to know basis" was a statement that got around. 

I think Prem has always appealed to our ego's a bit, our spiritual ego's. You know it was mostly out of a kind of spiritual pride that satsang 'happened'. we felt good about ourselves, and that was the main thing, thats how we knew it was happening,

 What I thought of as sincerity then compared to now has definitely altered. In India I'm pretty sure they still do the spontaneous satsang thing and I know old timers still start up on a rant and think this is satsang because they have a warm experience of remembrance- but everyone else is shifting in their chairs from boredom or embarrassment. 

The whole idea was that you can reach the highest spiritually evolved state by concentrating on your self alone, feeling good about the fact that you can hide your head under a blanket, that you have a 'special' relationship with your guru and this is THE most important thing in the world and woe betide anyone who gets in the way of that, spouse or parent, or anyone.The giving part of it was that you persuaded someone else to do the same, that was the best  gift you could give them, all other giving went towards the guru, even sharing knowledge with another person, although ostensibly for them was actually a harvest for him.

 Looking back on that I see how arrogant I was, he had an elitism about him that it was impossible not to partake in, the whole system was built on it. But the elitism wasn't one of spiritual merit, no. It was more like how good are you at keeping secrets it turns out, or being duped, or both. We were all roped into the morphing out of divine light mission into elan vital and all the subsequent rewriting of his history. When you go to wikipedia at the bottom of the right hand column with his terrible photo is a blue dot and obsolete and/or no longer supported/distributed by Rawat and his organizations

when you click on that you see all the omissions to the current story.all deleted and edited out by his current totally dispensable crew 

 So in the end I became good at deflecting the truth, or lying, and I was kind of spiritually proud and a bit special, with no foundation of truth to fall back on and help me past that phase, the foundation of his making was and has always been shifting sands instead of a rock.

You would think if he had anything resembling truth to offer he would say, this is it, the truth, i don't care if I have 1 follower or 50,000. 

But that would take integrity

Instead his spin and rebranding continues to, at intervals ,change it again and his title and his history to make it available and attractive to people because it does matter how many followers because $$$$$ duh! 

Nothing to do with truth, nothing to do with integrity.

I think satsang by ex premies would be infinitely more interesting, and we would have the bliss from expressing the truth!!! Maybe we could have an event.....lol