I first want to say I think your sense of loss is real. Like others who responded the only thing in hindsight that I take away as "real" from those days are the friendships. The talking about life in a car after satsang. The satsang it self may not have been truth but some of the conversation after was.
I hesitate to say this because I don't want to seem patronizing. It's simply my own experience. My view of the world as a premie was very black and white. Us and them. Premies were real and non premies were some sort of decoy humans whose only value was as potential aspirants. After being out for awhile I found I was connecting with non premies ( not all of course ) in a similar way as I used to with premies. And of course, it's very freeing and just a better way of being human.
Findinf kindred spirits in the world though isn't always easy. Maybe there was something in the people willing to make themselves vulnerable to consider the Rawat message. Not sure why it was true that so many beautiful souls joined the cult. In fact, I think the beautiful soul mixed with ethics and intellect that you find here on this board is why I check it.
Rawat is meaningless but the people aren't.
It's also, just so dangerous to divide the world the way at least I did as premie. I for a short time at least was brainwashed enough in the "us = real" "them = not real" that I scare
Myself in how I sort of understand the mentality where people commit atrocities at the behest of cult leaders. I think, at least about 1977, if Rawat had been Jim Jones or Charles Manson I would have done almost anything he asked. That chills me.
I've mentioned before I am a nurse. Among my colleagues I meet a lot of really good, smart and caring people. I have a tribe of sorts. I think I am lucky that way. Not everyone is a kindred spirit but many are and I can feel just as connected that way.
hugs to you.
